Stupid Cancer

Stupid Cancer

Battling cancer is frustrating. It’s complicated. Cancer isn’t just one disease that acts a specific way, it’s many different creatures that have been categorized under a single umbrella. Different cancers, even different breast cancers, react differently to treatments. And each body reacts to the cancer and the available treatments differently.

I promised an update in an earlier post. Since then, I’ve hit a few bumps in the road. I’ve been stalling on writing this post because I don’t want this blog to turn into a venue for me to whine, but I’m also trying to provide a realistic look at what life with cancer is like – At least life with cancer for this one person.

I got my first dose of Taxol on August 9. The infusion went well and I came home feeling good. The trouble started after the Neulasta shot the next day. That was followed by extreme bone pain, especially in my legs. Pain so bad I ended up waddling like I did the last month of my pregnancy. My toes hurt, I had to wear flip-flops so nothing touched them. Then came the muscle aches. And on a Thursday evening, ten days after the Taxol infusion, I got hives. There were other side effects as well, but you get the picture.

Monday I went back in for the next round of Taxol and made a plan with my doctor for steps to mitigate the intensity of the side effects. I was ready to roll for round two. I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of my battle with this disease. Or so I thought. Within the first five minutes of the Taxol infusion I felt a deep burning pain in my lower back. If you experienced back labor during childbirth, you know the intensity of this pain. The pain then worked it’s way up my spine and when it got to my neck, my throat started to swell up.

Of course the nurses came running and my doctor was paged and showed up within a few minutes. The infusion was stopped and I was given Benedryl and Hydrocortisol and monitored to make sure the reaction stopped.

Then we started the Taxol again at a much slower pace. This is standard operating procedure. The idea is that I would be less likely to react to the Taxol if it goes in slower, especially after the Benedryl and Hydrocortisol. And for many patients receiving this chemotherapy, that is the case. A reaction is followed by a successful infusion and they proceed with the Taxol.

Yeah, that next dose didn’t work for me either. This time the reaction was quicker, but less severe. Just hives all over the place. So Taxol is off the table. We are back to the drawing board. I have another appointment with my doctor to discuss other treatment plans that may work well for me. We’re still fighting. I haven’t given up. I just have to find a new weapon to battle this beast. coffeejitters border pink

500

500

This is my 500th post in this blog. Who knew I had that much to say?

Still I sit here thinking about writing another post and I’m torn; I have so much to say, too much actually.

I wonder about over-sharing, about letting my battle with cancer consume my blog the way it has consumed my life.

I wonder about how this blog will change over the coming year.

I miss the frivolous, light-hearted posts I used to write; my monthly letters to my daughter have taken on a new significance in the past couple months.500 blog posts

I’ve been reading over some of my favorite posts, and in honor of my 500 posts, I thought I’d share a few of them here

20 Year High School Class Reunion
Contemplating my high school class reunion and how connecting with my old classmates on Facebook changed my attitude towards attending.

Pregnancy 101: How to Roll Over
Sometimes a pregnant woman in bed feels (and looks) like a beached whale.  Sometimes she needs to roll over.  Sometimes the results are disastrous.

I feel pretty
Self image is such a complicated issue for young women.  I contemplate what makes me feel pretty, and how to help my daughter negotiate these issues as she grows up.

Influence
Do you pick up an accent when you visit the South? Is your mood affected by anyone else’s mood?  What influences you? What influences you on a subconscious level? How do we teach our children to manage their influnces?

Pregnancy
Pregnancy isn’t all bloating, and waddling, and strange cravings.  Pregnancy can make you feel Amazing.

Dear Baby Girl
A note to my daughter, written before she was born.

The Sweetest Gift
The sweetest Christmas gift I have ever received.

A Blessing
A stranger appears, blesses us, and vanishes.  One of the coolest moments of my life.

What Fuels Your Vote?
Whenever you take sides on a political issue, how do you come to your decision? Once the decision is made, do you have peace in your heart, or fear?

One Year Later
My father taught us a lot about living, the most powerful lesson came to me at his funeral.

Patience
Sometimes getting the perfect shot can be frustrating and take quite a bit of patience.

What I Didn’t Know
Finding out I was going to be a mommy.

Five Things I Learned from My Dad
Dad had a lot to teach.  I was too thick headed to appreciate all his lessons, but some of them really stuck with me.

On Being Content
A change in attitude can change your life.

Beautiful People

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Interesting how the same experiences can lead someone to become bitter or beautiful. I hope I make choices that lead towards the latter

So, about this breast cancer diagnosis…

So, about this breast cancer diagnosis…

I’ve been thinking about the direction and purpose of my blog in relation to this  breast cancer diagnosis. When I first found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I swore I would not let CoffeeJitters turn into a mommy blog. It took about a month to figure out that idea was a little ridiculous. My daughter is just about the only thing I write about any more.

I suspect over the coming months cancer will continue to consume my thoughts as it has this month, and that’s bound to have an effect on my choice of topics for posting. On the other hand, writing about my daughter makes me happy. Cancer, not so much.

Although there has been some pressure to use CoffeeJitters as a clearing house for my cancer updates, I would like to reserve this blog (and facebook) for me, for what I want to write about. To avoid allowing CoffeeJitters to become cancer central, I’m setting up a site through http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com where I will post updates on my condition as well as details about help we will be needing on issues such as housekeeping, child care, transportation, and meal prep. Please contact me directly if you would like access to that site.

That said, here is a quick update on what’s going on: The mass has grown to 8 cm. It is a combination of two kinds of cancer: Ductal Carcinoma in Situ and Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. There is no good cancer, but the first kind is preferable as it stays in one place, while the invasive cancer, well, invades other areas. From the images, they can not determine what percentage of the cancer is in situ and how much is invasive. They won’t know exactly what stage I’m in or what the prognosis is until they operate. So far it looks as though the cancer has kept to the breast although a few of the lymph nodes look suspicious. The condition of those lymph nodes will be the most important factor in determining the stage of the cancer and prognosis. So step one is the mastectomy (which we are still working on scheduling) which is both the primary treatment for the disease as well as providing more diagnostic information.

I’m not declaring the blog a cancer free zone, I’ll probably write about it from time to time. Breast cancer that strikes women under the age of 40 tends to be particularly aggressive. Additionally, these women often have very young children they are raising. When we think of breast cancer, we usually think of grandmas, not women who have to suddenly wean their infant because the breast is going to be removed. This is a whole new demographic of women challenged by breast cancer that has received little attention. I’m sure I’ll be writing on this topic from time to time.

Meanwhile, rest assured that I am eating my vegetables, exercising, and researching all the different options available to me.

bird-1

You can learn more about my cancer story here:

my cancer story | Judy Schwartz Haley

 

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Dear Gem – Month 11

Dear Gem – Month 11

In two weeks you will be one year old. Today you are walking and have a handful of words in your vocabulary.

A year ago I was on bedrest, and still worried you might be born too early. You have always been in a bit of a hurry, even before you were born. I went into labor the first time with you nearly 7 weeks early. It took a week in the hospital and the intervention of a crew of doctors and nurses. They gave us steroids to strengthen your lungs and another drug to slow the contractions, and it worked. You still showed up 18 days early, but by then the interventions had strengthened your lungs and you had gained enough weight to thrive on your own. You made your arrival perfectly healthy, and strong, and beautiful.

Genevieve - CoffeeJitters.Net

Your physical development has been fun to watch and can be tracked through the many photos we’ve taken this past year, but it’s the development of your character that is most amazing to me. You are so curious. You want to learn and explore everything. You don’t just quickly glance at a new item, you study it, turning it over and over in your hand upside-down, sideways, inside-out.

Last night you spent hours with Daddy’s keys. Sure you spent a little time shaking them and enjoying the jangle, but most of that time was spent examining each individual key; turning it over and over, feeling the smooth edge and the rough edge, tasting it (yuck). There was a spiral notebook near you and each key as it was examined was tried in each of the slots along the binding of the spiral note book. Every single key. Not only are you curious and studious, you are almost scientific in your methodology.

baby on a swing - CoffeeJitters.Net

 

Every day I marvel at how lucky I am that I get to be your Mommy; that I get to spend every day watching you grow and learn, and that I’m on the receiving end of all those smiles and hugs and kisses.

We got some really scary news last week. Mommy has breast cancer. But I’m going to fight this. You’re going to watch me kick cancer’s butt. And at the same time, I’m going to make sure that you get all the attention and hugs and kisses and learning opportunities that you need to grow up strong and confident and healthy. We’ll get through this baby girl; you and me and Daddy.

Your smiles and giggles are the best medicine for me.

I love you

Mommy

Read more Letters to Gem.

You can learn more about my cancer story here:

my cancer story | Judy Schwartz Haley

 

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