by Judy Schwartz Haley Every day we take a long walk around our new neighborhood, and every day I find a new reason to fall in love with our new home.
Today, we stumbled across this little shrine
A plaque inside the shrine had the following invitation:
Leave your thoughts, prayers and wishes.
Twice a year they will be burned and your intentions will join the universe.
I also enjoyed the inscriptions on the benches:
by Judy Schwartz Haley As it turns out, over the past few years I wrote quite a few pieces on cancer; I decided to pull them all together into one place to make them easy to find. This turned out to be a much bigger projected than I expected. I’ve cataloged more than thirty here so far, and there are many more to add.
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This is a work in progress. I will continue adding the posts already completed as well as the new posts to come, so check back from time to time. Tags are coming soon to allow for searching by topic.
It has been an eye opening exercise to go back through these posts and see how my attitude, perspective, writing style, and my life in general have all evolved over time.
My hope is that these pieces will provide someone with cancer some measure of hope, comfort, and useful information to help them along this difficult road. Even if you don’t have cancer, you just might find this story interesting.
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July 15, 2010 - I try evening out the post-mastectomy lopsidedness by stuffing my bra with socks. Hilarity ensues.
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August 9, 2010 - Ever wondered what a day of chemotherapy was like for a cancer patient? I thought I’d bring you along today, and give you a snapshot of what cancer treatment looks like. I hope its helpful to the newly diagnosed. Obvious disclaimer: of course, every patient’s treatment is different, and each cancer treatment center is different.
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January 13, 2011 - "It was my good boob that tried to kill me." Thoughts on body image and my changing attitude towards towards my ever growing collection of scars.
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February 4, 2011 - Curious what radiation treatment is like for cancer patients? Here’s a peek into my experience getting radiated for breast cancer.
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March 6, 2011 - Cancer is difficult at any age, but at each stage of life, the impact is experienced differently.
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July 14, 2011 - Just one of those days - and thoughts on completing cancer treatment.
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September 29, 2011 - I went straight to the bookstore after I got the “I’m sorry it’s cancer” phone call; surely amongst all the wisdom coded into letters and words, pressed to paper, and bound to books, would be some little snippet that would tell me how to move forward. Since that day I’ve read a lot of books about living with cancer, but when Katherine Malmo placed the slender, uncorrected galley of “Who in This Room” in my hands, I knew I was in possession of something different.
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October 4, 2011 - It’s that time of year when the world is washed in pink, and people prance around in their favorite toungue-in-cheek, boob-aware apparel. But how much awareness does all this bring to the realities of breast cancer (and work towards a cure), and how much does this just turn our attention to boobs?
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October 13, 2011 - This is the story of how I became an on air radio personality. Ok, it’s not. I’m not. It’s not even about me. This is a story about Debbie Cantwell, and the non-profit organization she started on her kitchen table, all by herself, to help young women with breast cancer, like me.
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October 19, 2011 - I’ve spent the past two days working on a couple projects that have had me knee deep in photographs from the Young Survival Coalition. That’s had me a little emotional, to say the least: memories, faces, friends…
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October 26, 2011 - It sounds cliche to say that women who have faced down a life-threatening diagnosis really know how to embrace life. It is cliche. It’s not even always true. But my girls? My friends? They know how to party.
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Get Hitched Give Hope brings together wedding related vendors from around the region, allowing the wedding party to meet the vendors, bid on wedding products and services, and plan their weddings while raising money for a great cause. Brilliant, really. ... And the Young Survival Coalition (an organization which has been of immense help to me in my cancer battle) was one of the beneficiaries, along with The Dream Foundation, which grants wishes to adults in the last year of their battle with life threatening diseases.
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November 9, 2011 - I have a feeling that this is going to be a part of a new pattern in our lives, that we will need to learn to just brace ourselves for Pinktober every year. We’ll learn to let the wave of pink wash over us without dredging up too much trauma, while embracing the opportunities that come in at the same time. We need to remember that Pinktober is a time of reunion with those who have become close friends in this breast cancer battle, it’s also a time to celebrate life, and raise some money to help all those who will be diagnosed in the year ahead.
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February 6, 2012 - In the cold, dark, fear of 3 a.m., when the cancer patient is most alone, I found ToddlerPlanet, ... Days after my diagnosis, before I learned to reign in my imagination and to view Dr.Google for what it is, I found Susan’s blog. I read for hours: post after post, page after page. It seemed she was speaking directly to me, addressing my personal concerns about life, death, love, cancer, and most important to me at that moment, the well being of my child.
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February 29, 2012 - Of course I still worry about how many years I have left, but even more important than the number of trips you make around the sun is your traveling companions along the way.
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March 23, 2012 - Yesterday, my little girl turned three (yes, she shares a birthday with William Shatner). Today, I’m making calls trying to find a venue for her birthday party. I’m that on top of things.
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April 3, 2012 - I have been invited to participate in Courage Night, an author event sponsored by the Young Survival Coalition where 5 young survivors of breast cancer will read from their books, followed by a book signing. Well, in my case, I will read from my blog. I’m beside myself with excitement about this event, and a little nervous.
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May 22, 2012 - Just as a physical injury can leave the body bound up in a tight little ball of muscle, the emotional trauma can have a similar impact on the spirit. Yoga and stretching and movement will little by little improve the flexibility and range of the body, but it’s sometimes painful and frightening. It is work that exists entirely outside of the comfort zone. I’ve reached the point where I understand what I have been intuitively trying to do, yet simultaneously resisting – to improve the flexibility and range of my imagination, of my ability to re-dream my future.
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May 29, 2012 - I’m just not at a point where I can talk about it all. It’s just so much… So much what does this cancer diagnosis mean to the rest of my life? to what extent will I let it define me? what do I want to do when I grow up? will it have something to do with cancer? should I change my major? what is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? does it even matter? where are my shoes? how will we pay rent? did I take my pills this morning, or was that yesterday? who am I? who are you? will Lizzie and Mr. Darcy ever work things out?
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June 26, 2012 - “People give you 3 months to mourn, and a year to have cancer, then they expect you to get back to normal.” I don’t know where I heard this quote first, but I’ve experienced the truth of the statement both in terms of mourning and cancer recovery.
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July 3, 2012 - A friend once said to me “Enough with the character building; we’ve got plenty of character.” And I do believe I have plenty of character, yet life keeps the lessons coming at me. One of those lessons is that I need to make a practice of taking care of myself, and I’m not just talking about the physical parts (exercising more, and eating less garbage), although that is an element. I’m talking about taking care of the rest of me – the parts that make me me.
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 | Interview at Parenting with Cancer
May 18, 2012 - people are going to give you unsolicited advice, and they are going to be very adamant in their opinion that their way is the only right way to deal with this. It’s not. You need to do what’s right for you and your family, and not worry about everyone else’s opinion, no matter how pushy they are.
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July 17, 2012 - You want to change YSC? You want to change the one thing that has been most helpful in keeping me sane over the past two years? I looked around the room; I wasn’t the only one looking uncomfortable. This wasn’t just any room, this was a room full of breast cancer survivors and supporters. These are women and men who are all-too-familiar with having change thrust upon them, changes no one should have to endure.
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Published at Survivorship Partners
July 23, 2012 - Every once in a while I still catch myself feeling guilty about the cancer, and then I feel guilty about feeling guilty, and then I remember how far I’ve come and give myself a break. Nobody deserves cancer; not me, and not anyone else.
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September 26, 2012 - In September of 2010, I looked forward to October with some enthusiasm. It was my first Breast Cancer Awareness month since my diagnosis 7 months earlier, and I didn’t know what to expect. I thought a month dedicated to people like me might be fun, and there were some amazing fundraising parties, but I was not prepared for the Pepto Bismol-colored tidal wave that engulfed me.
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October 2, 2012 - Cancer didn’t make me stronger; it sapped my strength like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. You know what made me stronger? Having to make tough decisions and stand by them. Calling bullshit on bullshit. Moving forward despite the fear. Getting up every single day to be a mommy to my little girl, no matter how crappy I felt. Showing up for every treatment, even when I wanted to hide under the covers. Being a part of a support network for other young women with breast cancer.
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Published at Mom it Forward
November 8, 2012 - I could not take care of my baby. Post-mastectomy, and in the midst of chemotherapy, I could not be left home alone with my baby because I was not strong enough to take care of her. That was my low point. It was also the point at which I discovered a group of young women with breast cancer, many of whom were also moms.
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March 12, 2013 - We spent the sunny Saturday afternoon traipsing around town, when my daughter was inspired into her own impromptu dance recital in front of this mural. She had no idea that it was the third anniversary of the day my life was turned upside down – the cancer diagnosis. She just grabbed the moment and savored it, so I did as well.
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March 26, 2013 - Another night in the hospital - But, I diverted my attention by focusing on something else. It was four years to the day from the night my daughter was born. I went in to the ER just about the same time I arrived at this same hospital four years earlier...
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April 13, 2013 - "She didn’t preach, she just showed us how to call bullshit on bullshit, how to advocate for yourself, how to pick up and move on, and how to focus on what you can change, and how to spend your time and energy on what really matters."
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June 11, 2013 - "A Circle of Women. 28 women, all whom I adore. 28 women finding ways to squeeze the day, every day, while living with cancer and it’s after effects."
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July 9, 2013 - "I learned the hard way that the financial implications of cancer extend well beyond just the cost of medical care. It’s a far too frequent story where jobs are lost, or the hours worked drop below the minimum to maintain health insurance – or pay the rent. The cost of babysitters alone could bankrupt a family, and then there’s all those extra meals eaten out, and meal delivery services on speed dial, because mama just didn’t have the strength to prepare dinner. Again."But there are ways you can help someone with cancer...
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August 21, 2013 - "I have this enduring image of Candice in my head. It’s not real, it’s imaginary, but there’s truth in it. She’s wearing a white Grecian gown and angel wings. No, not actual angel wings – these she crafted, right there in my imagination. She whipped up these wings from 14-gauge wire, feathers, a bolt of vintage white and gold Hollywood Regency fabric, and her emergency glitter supply. They’re fabulous. So was she."
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October 8, 2013 - How would you get back at breast cancer? Last year Barb Greenlee got back at cancer by riding 200+ miles on her bicycle in the YSC West Coast Tour de Pink to raise funds for the Young Survival Coalition. This year, she’s doing it twice.
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October 18, 2013 - I think sometimes fierce gets a glamorous image. It’s easy to think of finish lines, mountain tops, and triumphs when we think of the word fierce – but fierce isn’t the finish, it’s how you got there. Fierce is the long, lonely runs in the rain, months, even years before the starting line.
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March 10, 2014 - Life keeps coming at me from a thousand different directions. It’s a maelstrom of joy and fear, comfort and pain, fun and hard work. It’s exhausting and overwhelming, and often moves me to tears. Maybe that’s how I know I’m really living. |
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by Judy Schwartz Haley 
I look forward to the Ultimate Blog Party every year. I love making new connections, and I make a few new friends each time around.
I started my first blog in 2001, and this one has been going since 2004. That’s a decade. It’s hard, at times, not to compare myself to the celebrity bloggers, and wonder why I haven’t hit the big time. But their stories are not mine, and my story is not theirs.
So what is my story?
The answer to that question is continuously evolving. Right now, I am the mother of a 5 year old, wife of a 38 year old, former cancer patient in the midst of reconstruction, and a full-time college student who will, if everything goes right and I actually pass these classes, graduate in 6 weeks with a Bachelors degree in social sciences.
Blogging hasn’t been my top priority lately.
But I love blogging. I cherish the friendships I made through this medium. I cherish the product, this collection of stories, that resulted from these years at this blog. I didn’t start out with this intent, but when the reality of my own mortality was shoved in my face, I was comforted with the knowledge that I had at least something of myself to leave behind for my then infant daughter. I don’t plan on dying any time soon, but that idea stays with me as I write. So in the 4 years since my cancer diagnosis, this blog has become something more. It is a love letter, to my daughter, to my husband, my friends, the world, to life itself.
Want to know more?
Here are a few posts to get you started:
Cancerversary – thoughts on the anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, and my life right now.
The Camera Bag – and an epiphany on photography and being the recipient of a random act of kindness
A relearning how to dream after cancer blog – Cancer trauma is more than physical
Bloggers at Work - a day in the life of a Mommy Blogger
Living in the Gap – “We don’t get practice time, and then go out and live our lives after we’ve perfected ourselves. We go out and try things, see if they work, we fall down, we get up, we embarrass ourselves, we don’t die of embarrassment – but we don’t get to practice life without an audience.”
Just Breathe – ”As long as you have breath, you have this moment.”
Let’s Connect
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by Judy Schwartz Haley My little girl has become quite the foodie. She loves to watch Anthony Bourdain (at age 2 she declared: “Tony is my best friend”), Chopped, Cupcake Wars, and pretty much any other food related show we will let her watch.
She got a kitchen for her birthday:
But one of her favorite pastimes is to sit and read out loud from cookbook; one recipe after another. That means my days sound like this:
It wouldn’t be so bad if the recipes were all healthy and nutritious, but her favorite book from which to read is this:
All day long with the delicious sounding recipes, delectable ingredient after delectable ingredient.
And the recipe she was reading in the video was this:
So hour after hour I sit here having chocolate deserts described to me, and the more she reads those recipes, this more I do this:
Now I don’t pretend to be a cooking blog, so no, I haven’t made this recipe yet. Although, I do believe this particular tart is in my future. But, since we taunted you with the ingredient list earlier, I’ll go ahead and include the recipe she was reading here:
Chocolate Hazelnut-Pear Tart
The Ghirardelli Chocolate Cookbook (1995)
16 ounces canned pear halves, well drained
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter, softened
2 eggs
2 tablespoons hazelnut-flavored liqueur
1/4 teaspoon salt (optional)
1 cup flour
1/2 cup Ghirardelli Sweet Ground Chocolate and Cocoa
1/2 cup chopped hazelnuts
2 ounces (1/2 baking bar) Ghirardelli Bittersweet Chocolate, for garnish.
Preheat the oven to 350 F. Spray the bottom and sides of a 9-inch springform pan with nonstick cooking spray, or grease lightly.
Pat the pear halves dry with paper towels. Cut each half into thirds lengthwise. Set aside
Cream the sugar and butter until light and fluffy. Beat in the eggs, liqueur, and salt. In a separate bowl, combine the flour and ground chocolate. Add the dry ingredients to the egg mixture, mixing well. Stir in the nuts. Spread into the prepared pan.
Arrange the pear slices in a circular pattern on top of the batter. Bake 23 to 30 minutes, or until a tester comes out clean when inserted into the center of the tart. Cool tart on a wire rack. When the tart is partly cooled, run a knife around its edge and remove it from the pan. Allow the tart to cool completely.
Melt the bittersweet chocolate in a double boiler over hot, but not boiling water. Stir the chocolate occasionally until smooth. Using a spoon or pastry bag, drizzle the melted chocolate over the cooled tart.
Yield: 12 servings
WW Linky is on page 2
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