The first thing I thought when I was diagnosed with breast cancer was what’s going to happen to my baby? I’m not alone in that thought, I’ve discussed the topic at length with my friends who are also juggling child rearing with cancer treatment.
And it does impact the kids, but there are ways to help our kids cope with a parent’s cancer.
Interview with a Social Worker
Michelle Massey runs the Camp Sparkle and Small Talk programs at Gilda’s Club in Seattle. [Updated to note that the former Gilda’s Club in Seattle is now operating independently- although maintaining the same mission – and goes by the name Cancer Pathways.] She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and a Board Certified Oncology Social Worker. She got her start at Children’s Hospital working with kids with cancer, where she started to notice that the siblings needed some attention, too. Now her work focuses on the children of cancer patients.
We sat down at her kitchen table to discuss how kids are impacted by their parent’s cancer, and what we can do to help. She was very clear in making the point that if a parent has cancer, the kids are affected. They might not show it. They might be perfect little angels because they don’t want to be a burden, but that doesn’t mean that they are not affected.
Kids are by nature ego-centric.
There is nothing wrong with this, it is part of our developmental process, and hopefully, we grow out of that perspective. But it’s important to remember the eco-centric perspective when working with children who are dealing with their parent’s cancer. When they think the world revolves around them, then they naturally think they have an impact on everything that happens. That means when a parent gets cancer, they think it has something to do with them. It’s the same reason kids think it’s their fault if their parent’s get a divorce.
The ego-centric perspective also means that the child’s biggest concern is “what is going to happen to me?” They are concerned about the well-being of their parent, but even more so, they want to know that whatever happens, someone is going to know that they like their peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles, and which songs to sing as they tuck them in at night. Fear of abandonment is a normal reaction to this situation.
It is important to understand that a child’s anxiety around a parent’s cancer is an appropriate reaction, and not a sign of mental illness. Counseling and group therapy sessions can help kids develop the tools they need to weather the ups and downs of their parent’s cancer treatment. Additionally, this is not likely to be the last challenge in the child’s life, so the tools learned in counseling will be of lifelong benefit.
Group activities that involve other kids whose parents have cancer is also beneficial in that it provides an environment where the kids can feel normal. They don’t have to feel weird because everyone has cancer in their home.
I asked Michelle what specific advice she would give to parents who have cancer, and these were her suggestions:
How to help kids cope when a parent has cancer
Make sure your kids have an outlet for their feelings, even the “ugly” feelings – a safe place where they can talk about what’s going through their head without being shut down. (Counseling and group therapy are great for this)
If you do get a counseling for your kids, trust and confidentiality are of the utmost importance. The child needs to be able to say those things they’re afraid might hurt their parent’s feelings.
Allow them to feel their emotions rather than brushing them away.
Don’t try to fix everything. You can’t fix their emotions.
Ask them specifically what they are afraid of, the fear may take on different nuances at different times, and that will change the conversation.
The Camp Sparkle and Small Talk programs mentioned above are at Gilda’s Club Seattle. There are Gilda’s Clubs around the country, and while the specific offerings at each location may vary, the programs are available to cancer patients and their family members at no charge.
Michelle also works with young women with breast cancer, formerly serving as a meeting facilitator for the Young Survival Coalition.
I am in possession of most of the old photographs and do-dads from our family history, and on occasion, I rummage through those items and take a stab at getting some of them scanned so we have a digital record that can be shared around the country. Most of the pictures I rummage through are multiple copies of old school photos, but every once in a while, I find something interesting.
The pen doesn’t work, it’s 44 years old. Apparently, this is the pen that the best man presented to my dad, the groom, “for use in signing his life away.” This cracks me up. I wonder if he had any idea that decades later we would still be in possession of this pen and the card to which it was taped.
The card says:
Compliments of the Lee Museum of Warped Art and Hysterical Do-Dads.
Left on ancient dining able, believed o be the “Official Pen” use in ancient wedding ceremony. Given traditionally (for the first time) to the Groom fo use in signing way his life by the Honorable Best Man. Hmph!
And here’s the best man, Pete Lee, with my Dad. Dad is on the right.
This is one of my favorite photos from my parents wedding – Dad looking at his ring. I wonder what he was thinking.
I love that I can see so much of who she is now in the old photos of who she was back then. She has grown so much – but I can see the seeds of her personality and her appearance in her baby pictures.
My girl has a knack for creating fun wherever she goes.
There are several different play structures at this park, but where does she want to play?
on the bike rack.
I love this playful, joyful approach to life. I relish in it. It makes me happy to see her explore things in new ways. I love things like bike racks being used for other than their intended purposes. This is where creativity and invention kicks in.
She’s getting so big now – taking on more challenges, like tree climbing.
She’s growing so strong, so tall, so confident…
I hope she doesn’t outgrow her sense of playfulness and whimsy. I hope, in the life before her, she continues to find creative ways (but not too dangerous, I’m still a mama bear) to have fun.
On the corner of Broadway and Union, on Seattle’s Capitol Hill, sits an old brick building with a red door, and four stately white columns in front. Magic happens in this building.
When Gilda Radner was diagnosed with cancer, she learned first hand how lonely cancer can be. Gilda’s Club was created so no one else would have to go through the cancer experience alone.
Gilda’s Club is not just for the cancer patient, but their family members and close friends as well. A cancer diagnosis impacts the whole family. We all need a place where we can be ourselves, and it feels good to have a place where we feel normal, where others understand what we are going through. Gilda’s Club does this with support groups, lectures, and other helpful events for people with cancer and their loved ones.
Camp Sparkle
Camp Sparkle is one of the ways that Gilda’s Club helps the children of cancer patients.
Sometimes, the world turns upside down when Mom or Dad is diagnosed with cancer, or even dies from cancer. This is complicated when adults reflexively avoid conversations about cancer, life and death, or deep issues are distilled into platitudes that are more dismissive than helpful.
Camp Sparkle provides a safe environment for kids to talk about cancer, and helps provide kids with a toolbox of skills to name and discuss their feelings and to deal with this and other challenges life will throw at them.
And Camp Sparkle is FUN!
My girl turned 5 a few months ago, so this year she was old enough to go to Camp Sparkle. She had so much fun. She came home with piles of artwork each day of the week, and at the end of the week she brought home a journal. She went on a field trip every day. She made new friends, learned about compassion, and respect, and self care. And I am so impressed with the questions she’s been asking since camp. Thoughtful questions about things it never occurred to me to bring up with her.
She’s a happy camper, and I’m so glad she got to go to Camp Sparkle.
Gilda’s Club has clubhouses across the country, and Camp Sparkle is free for the children of all Gilda’s Club members, ages 5-18.
I kept yelling through the wall that it was bedtime and that she needed to settle down, but she was no where near ready for that.
She burst out of her room, breathless with questions: Could she bring crayons to kindergarten? Will there be show and tell? Is it ok to put the crayons in her backpack?
There were more questions, but I can’t remember them all. I tried to answer them as I could while steering her back to her room.
Yes, you can put crayons in your backpack, I told her. And we will need to get you a new backpack for school.
Her face darkened a bit: “But, my backpack is already packed.”
Kindergarten starts in 78 days.
I examined her backpack with her, and together, we removed the items, piece by piece, so she could tell me about each one.
There were, of course, the crayons. And a piece of paper so she can color on it. She explained to me that she folded the paper so it will fit in the back pack.
She also packed a football because at kindergarten she might learn to “do sports.”
And a red block because red is her favorite color.
And a hairclip in case her hair gets in her face. To me, this last item was most remarkable because she resists all my attempts at keeping her hair out of her face, especially hair clips.
I explained again that we will buy her a brand new big kid backpack for school, because she’d had her old toddler backpack since she was two. So she put it on to demonstrate that it still fits.
I finally got the backpack away from her, and convinced her that backpacks are not safe to sleep in. And she finally settled down and fell asleep – no doubt dreaming about playgrounds, coloring, show and tell, and “doing sports.”
On the other hand, I am still wide awake, marveling at her love of learning, her exuberance, and relishing the fact that we have 78 days left until the start of kindergarten. Also, I’m panicking a little, because there are only 78 days left until the start of kindergarten.
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