This is my 500th post in this blog. Who knew I had that much to say?
Still I sit here thinking about writing another post and I’m torn; I have so much to say, too much actually.
I wonder about over-sharing, about letting my battle with cancer consume my blog the way it has consumed my life.
I wonder about how this blog will change over the coming year.
I miss the frivolous, light-hearted posts I used to write; my monthly letters to my daughter have taken on a new significance in the past couple months.
I’ve been reading over some of my favorite posts, and in honor of my 500 posts, I thought I’d share a few of them here
20 Year High School Class Reunion
Contemplating my high school class reunion and how connecting with my old classmates on Facebook changed my attitude towards attending.
Pregnancy 101: How to Roll Over
Sometimes a pregnant woman in bed feels (and looks) like a beached whale. Sometimes she needs to roll over. Sometimes the results are disastrous.
I feel pretty
Self image is such a complicated issue for young women. I contemplate what makes me feel pretty, and how to help my daughter negotiate these issues as she grows up.
Influence
Do you pick up an accent when you visit the South? Is your mood affected by anyone else’s mood? What influences you? What influences you on a subconscious level? How do we teach our children to manage their influnces?
Pregnancy
Pregnancy isn’t all bloating, and waddling, and strange cravings. Pregnancy can make you feel Amazing.
Dear Baby Girl
A note to my daughter, written before she was born.
A Blessing
A stranger appears, blesses us, and vanishes. One of the coolest moments of my life.
What Fuels Your Vote?
Whenever you take sides on a political issue, how do you come to your decision? Once the decision is made, do you have peace in your heart, or fear?
One Year Later
My father taught us a lot about living, the most powerful lesson came to me at his funeral.
Patience
Sometimes getting the perfect shot can be frustrating and take quite a bit of patience.
Today is Mother’s Day (or at least it was when I started writing this letter), the perfect day for me to tell you how much I love being your Mother.
I got the best Mother’s Day gift ever on Friday; after a month of not being able to lift or carry you because of the surgery, the doctor finally gave me permission to start using my arm, which means I can take care of you all by myself again. It is so nice to finally be able to hold you, and take care of you by myself!
But we did find ways to snuggle this past month. I spent a lot of time sitting on the floor so you could come up and hug me whenever you wanted. It amazes me how you seemed to instinctively understand that you needed to be gentle with me. You are so perceptive, and very, very sweet. You even say “awwwww…” and pat my shoulder as you hug me. It’s the cutest thing.
Several friends came and helped around the house. and helped me keep an eye on you each day while Daddy was at school. I’m so thankful for their help. You enjoyed the company (audience), and it eased my mind to know that they were available to lift you to the high chair, or changing table, or into your crib – and to get you out of trouble as well – you have entered a climbing phase. At least I hope it’s a phase, but I suspect you are just going to become progressively more adventurous. And truthfully, that’s one of the things I love most about you – your sense of adventure – even when you give me a little heart attack while you’re perched on the edge of a piece of furniture.
One of your favorite words is “THIS.” You walk around the house, or even stores when we go out, and hold up random objects proclaiming, proudly and emphatically, “THIS!” After a few weeks of “this,” I nearly fell out of my chair laughing, but proud, when you pointed at something and said “THAT!”
Most of the time when I look at you I see a beautiful little girl, but every once in a while, I see the baby you used to be. The way you hold your feet in the air while you’re laying on your back, or the way you cuddle with me both can take me back to several months ago. I miss that baby, but I am so proud of the little girl that you are becoming. You are so smart, you have an amazing attention span, you are perceptive, and gentle, and sweet, and loving, and friendly. These are all qualities that will serve you well as you get older. I can’t wait to watch you as you develop from a little girl into a young woman. But for today, it’s those snuggles that I enjoy the most.
It’s been quite a month: big news, big adjustments. Tomorrow morning I go in for the mastectomy. That means I will not be able to lift you for a while after the surgery, maybe even a couple weeks. It’s going to be a bigger adjustment than what you have already experienced, but we are going to get through this. I will find ways to pile pillows around myself so that you can still snuggle with me. There will be a lot more people around the house to help out with things, so you will have an opportunity to make a lot more friends.
All these changes are important, but I also want to make sure that they don’t overshadow you, and your development. You just had your first birthday! We had a big birthday party for you, and Mariajose, with the help of Aunt Trisha, Ericka, and Leonor, made you the most awesome birthday cake that was almost as tall as you.
Bumble Bees and Daisies
You are getting so smart, and it’s so much fun to watch. You ‘read’ your books out loud, pointing at different pictures and sometimes even the words. In each of your books you have a few favorite pages that you return to time and again. I’ve made a habit of leaving a book in your crib when I tuck you in, and often you wake up, discover the book and entertain yourself with it for quite a while before deciding you want some attention. Sometimes, when I hear you ‘reading’ through the monitor, I sneak in and watch you interact with the book. You are so involved that it can be several minutes before you discover that I am in the room with you.
You are also getting feisty and developing a sense of humor. You’ve started hand feeding me some of your Cheerios. Sometimes, you will hold one out for me and wait till my mouth gets right up to it before pulling away and eating it yourself – and then giggling. And then the next Cheerio – you bite it in half and feed me the other half. That is just too cool.
Two weeks ago you took your first international trip. Daddy was invited to speak at a conference at the University of Victoria in Victoria, British Columbia. We decided to make a long weekend of it and stayed for four days at a great little suite hotel. Somehow I managed to lose the battery to my camera for most of the trip, and then found it right before we returned home, so we didn’t get many pictures. But you had a wonderful time. We stayed away from the tourist traps, and hung out in the neighborhoods where the locals live. We went to a huge park full of ponds and ducks and you ran across the grass with your arms waving in the air chasing the ducks. We went to a petting zoo, and you chased the baby pygmy goats around and laughed the whole time.
You decided to sit down inside the Apples to Apples box and Uncle Tim and Aunt Mel\’s Easter party
We have so much fun together, you and me and Daddy. Every day is a new adventure – you make a new discovery or pick up a new mannerism. We got some family pictures taken the other day and in one of the shots you are raising one of your eyebrows at the photographer. You started talking with your hands, waving them around for emphasis. You say hi to everybody as we walk around town, and you love running through the fountains at the mall, with the cold, cold, water. I have to make sure to bring a change of clothes when we go out for a walk, because there is a good chance we will come across a water feature and you will get wet.
I can’t wait to see what you are going to do next.
I’m so lucky I get to be your Mommy, and I’m so lucky I get to be married to your Daddy. I’m just overwhelmed with love and happiness right now.
I started the morning posing for topless photos in the harsh clinical light of the plastic surgeon’s office. I hadn’t given much thought to what the ambiance might be like should I ever pose topless, but doctors in lab coats with a changing curtain for a backdrop never crossed my mind. If you told me a year ago I’d be in a plastic surgeon’s office fondling samples of silicon and saline breast implants I would have laughed at you. While there are a few parts of my body that could use a tune-up, my breast size was not exactly inadequate.
My belly size is also not inadequate. The camera and I had a bit of a disagreement as to whether or not I sucked in my belly for the exposure. I swear I sucked in my belly, but the camera won that round, and round belly is permanently preserved in the before shots in my medical records.
As it turns out, that’s not all bad. I happen to be a good candidate for a DIEP procedure, which means instead of using artificial implants like saline or silicon, the reconstruction involves my belly fat up to rebuild my breasts. Double Bonus Points!!
My big takeaway for today is that there is life after breast cancer – and it comes with perky tatas!
I’ve been thinking about the direction and purpose of my blog in relation to this breast cancer diagnosis. When I first found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I swore I would not let CoffeeJitters turn into a mommy blog. It took about a month to figure out that idea was a little ridiculous. My daughter is just about the only thing I write about any more.
I suspect over the coming months cancer will continue to consume my thoughts as it has this month, and that’s bound to have an effect on my choice of topics for posting. On the other hand, writing about my daughter makes me happy. Cancer, not so much.
Although there has been some pressure to use CoffeeJitters as a clearing house for my cancer updates, I would like to reserve this blog (and facebook) for me, for what I want to write about. To avoid allowing CoffeeJitters to become cancer central, I’m setting up a site through http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com where I will post updates on my condition as well as details about help we will be needing on issues such as housekeeping, child care, transportation, and meal prep. Please contact me directly if you would like access to that site.
That said, here is a quick update on what’s going on: The mass has grown to 8 cm. It is a combination of two kinds of cancer: Ductal Carcinoma in Situ and Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. There is no good cancer, but the first kind is preferable as it stays in one place, while the invasive cancer, well, invades other areas. From the images, they can not determine what percentage of the cancer is in situ and how much is invasive. They won’t know exactly what stage I’m in or what the prognosis is until they operate. So far it looks as though the cancer has kept to the breast although a few of the lymph nodes look suspicious. The condition of those lymph nodes will be the most important factor in determining the stage of the cancer and prognosis. So step one is the mastectomy (which we are still working on scheduling) which is both the primary treatment for the disease as well as providing more diagnostic information.
I’m not declaring the blog a cancer free zone, I’ll probably write about it from time to time. Breast cancer that strikes women under the age of 40 tends to be particularly aggressive. Additionally, these women often have very young children they are raising. When we think of breast cancer, we usually think of grandmas, not women who have to suddenly wean their infant because the breast is going to be removed. This is a whole new demographic of women challenged by breast cancer that has received little attention. I’m sure I’ll be writing on this topic from time to time.
Meanwhile, rest assured that I am eating my vegetables, exercising, and researching all the different options available to me.
I know I’m not going to be able to call you Baby Girl for very much longer, but I’m going to take advantage of this opportunity while I can. This past year has been so much fun. Happy Birthday!
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