I recently heard a quote that really resonated with me:
Life is not waiting for the storm to pass, it’s learning to dance in the rain.
I love the way this is stated, and it’s one of those life lessons that I really want you to understand. Your life is never going to be perfect. There will always be something that is not quite right, sometimes worse than others. You can’t just tell yourself that “things will be better when…”, or I’ll get on with my life after….” Live Now – regardless of what’s going on in your life.
Besides, dancing in the rain can be a lot of fun.
Kissing in the rain is pretty awesome too – but, you’ll wait another 20 years to find that out. Right?
As I”m writing this letter I’m sitting in a big hospital recliner as the chemo drips into me. It’s not my favorite way to spend an afternoon, I’d rather not have to deal with this at all. But it’s not all that bad either. It’s nowhere near as bad as my imagination made it out to be back when I was diagnosed. It’s interesting how the imagination tends to run towards best case and worst case scenarios, and spends very little time in the middle ground where most of reality exists.
An imagination is a wonderful thing – and I hope you develop yours and put it to good use. It is also a power that can be abused; be sure to use this power for good and not evil. Let your imagination run free as you are generating new ideas, but when it comes time to applying these ideas to real world applications, then it’s time to do some research. And by research, I don’t mean disregard everything that doesn’t support your point of view. Seriously. If you come across evidence that disproves your theory, chase it down. Do not ignore it. It is so important to educate yourself on the whole issue; failing to do so will damage your credibility. And lets face it, there will be times in your life when your credibility is all you have to offer. Take good care of it.
/lecture
Sorry about that, sometimes I get on my soapbox and prattle on about things not one else really wants to discuss. But then that’s why I have a blog.
You had your first overnight stay away from us this month. Daddy and I went camping with friends and you stayed with Grandma for two nights. That must have been a lot of fun for you. I’m sure Grandma enjoyed it as well. Grandma is awesome and all, but still, three days and two nights away from you wasn’t easy. You, on the other hand, seemed to think it was pretty cool. Good for you.
I love that you are so adaptable. I keep hearing that kids need routine and they need things to be the same all the time, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with you, my little adventurous one. Adaptability is another one of those life skills that will take you places, and make your life a lot more interesting, fun, and easier too. The adaptability makes it easier for us to travel with you, which means more adventures for you, too.
We spent this past weekend in Bellingham, and we had a wonderful time. Your adaptability makes it so easy for us to travel with you. You love and adventure, and so do we.
You love to dance and you get to bouncing and swinging around whenever you hear music. Tonight you figured out that you could make yourself dizzy by spinning in circles. You spent the longest time spinning and giggling and falling down, then getting up and doing it over again.
You are learning so much every day and your vocabulary is just exploding. You can say all different parts of the body: Eye, nose, ear, toes, foot, belly. You know one and two. You are getting better about using the sign for thank you when we give you things. You love to give hugs and kisses, and you warn us that we are going to get a kiss by announcing it first. And you are so loving and sweet to your dolls and stuffed animals. You give them hugs and kisses, and rock them and sing and talk to them. You try to share your cookies and water with them too. You are becoming such a sweet little girl.
You bring so much joy to our lives. Being your mother makes me want to be a better person. You inspire me.
One of the frustrations I’ve had to deal with because of this breast cancer is my lopsidedness. Getting dressed in the morning takes quite a bit more thought and planning than ever before. I wasn’t small breasted to start with, but thanks to my mastectomy I have a bouncy D-Cup that swings a little lower since breastfeeding, and a rock hard, absurdly high, almost A-cup.
To make matters a little more interesting, the mastectomy side is augmented by a saline implant called an expander. I periodically go in for expansions, which means they inject more saline into the implant. This is in preparation for reconstruction after I complete the cancer treatment, but the expansions have to be complete before I start radiation. As a result, the size and shape of my mastectomy side “breast” changes to frequently. I’ll wait till the size and shape stabilizes to invest in a prosthesis, in the meantime I’m stuffing my bra with socks.
Yeah, you read that right. I’m stuffing my bra with socks. How very seventh grade. But at least in junior high they were both the same size, I wasn’t trying to make different sizes match each other. No matter how many socks I stuff into this bra, they will never bounce quite like my real breast.
The Stuffed Bra that Wont Stay Stuffed
These socks were made for wandering, and they do like to tour my chest wall as I’m moving about. They really like to get around while I’m running on the treadmill. Before I know it, they’ve worked their way under my armpit and each pump of my arm jams them a little further back under my arm, or even more frequently, they pile up right in the center of my chest. Excuse me a moment while I reach in and readjust my “girls” while running, and hopefully not stumbling, on the treadmill. Graceful, no? I find myself pushing my socks back into place as I walk around town. The boob is gone, it doesn’t feel like a boob anymore, so it’s easy to forget that while they’re just socks to me, to the average pedestrian it looks like I’m groping and playing with my boobs and I try to corral them back into place.
And yoga? the socks are likely to wind up just about anywhere, but I’ve mastered the art of readjustment during downward dog. People look at each other less during yoga anyways.
It’s not just while I’m exercising that the socks become an issue. A few weeks ago we sailed around Seattle on a gorgeous schooner. I disembarked the ship and my husband handed my 1 year old daughter down to me. She was a little wobbly on her feet as I set her down and knelt next to her on the deck. To catch her balance, she reached up and grabbed my shirt, and managed to grab my bra in the same handful. Out tumbled my sports socks in full sight of everyone looking down from the ship.
So if you see me out and about with a big lump under my arm, or up by my neck, or down by my abdomen, its just an errant sock trying to make a break for it. No need for concern. You might even be treated to a glimpse of my readjustment dance as I try to surreptitiously work it back into place.
I just joined an online challenge called 21*5*800 hosted by Bindu Wiles. 21 days. 5 days of yoga per week. 800 words per day.
I am so excited about this challenge.
The group is actually on day 4 of the challenge and I just got started. I’m just going to start where the group is, then add a few extra days at the end, probably just picking up the prompts I dropped from the first few days.
I’ve already decided that I while I intend to write my 800 words every day, I probably won’t share all of it, although I may share a portion. I want to get into a daily writing, and yoga, practice. I want to be able to be honest in my writing, and I have learned that I have to be much too careful about what I publish in this format. That said, today’s topic is relevant: Fear.
Fear
Fear has become a big part of my life since my breast cancer diagnosis. Fear of death? Certainly. Fear of pain? Oh, yes. Fear of being a burden on my family? Absolutely. Fear of the effects of my cancer on my one year old daughter? Terrifying.
I have found that the yoga helps. I’ve learned to breathe through the movements: the tough stretches, holding a challenging pose. That practice transfers to the uncomfortable and painful procedures. A deep breath and long slow exhale as I endure the poking and prodding makes all the difference. The pain is still there, but it is a bit more manageable. Focusing on my breath takes my focus away from the pain.
Fear takes me out of the present and puts me into the future – a future that is unknowable, yet my imagination tries it’s best to find every worst case scenario. Pain forces me into right now – so does my yoga practice. When I’m in now, what might happen doesn’t matter. Every moment has an infinity of possible outcomes.
When I’m seized by anxiety or panic, the yogic breathing can settle me down. Cleansing breath: long, slow exhale opens up more space in the lungs for a deeper, fuller inhale. Raise the arms to expand the chest, then slowly lower them as I exhale. Before I know it, I’m focusing more on how my body feels and improving this critical function. The fear is still there, but it is a bit more manageable. Focusing on my breath takes my focus away from the fear.
That’s not to say that fear is unwarranted. I have an aggressive form of breast cancer that has spread to the lymph nodes, complicated by another rare form of cancer that has a pretty grim prognosis. This is not something I can ignore or wish away. I also cannot focus only on the present. I am submitting myself to these procedures and chemotherapy, sacrificing my comfort and well being in the present, because I fear what will happen if I don’t, and in hope of improving my well being in the future.
Today is Mother’s Day (or at least it was when I started writing this letter), the perfect day for me to tell you how much I love being your Mother.
I got the best Mother’s Day gift ever on Friday; after a month of not being able to lift or carry you because of the surgery, the doctor finally gave me permission to start using my arm, which means I can take care of you all by myself again. It is so nice to finally be able to hold you, and take care of you by myself!
But we did find ways to snuggle this past month. I spent a lot of time sitting on the floor so you could come up and hug me whenever you wanted. It amazes me how you seemed to instinctively understand that you needed to be gentle with me. You are so perceptive, and very, very sweet. You even say “awwwww…” and pat my shoulder as you hug me. It’s the cutest thing.
Several friends came and helped around the house. and helped me keep an eye on you each day while Daddy was at school. I’m so thankful for their help. You enjoyed the company (audience), and it eased my mind to know that they were available to lift you to the high chair, or changing table, or into your crib – and to get you out of trouble as well – you have entered a climbing phase. At least I hope it’s a phase, but I suspect you are just going to become progressively more adventurous. And truthfully, that’s one of the things I love most about you – your sense of adventure – even when you give me a little heart attack while you’re perched on the edge of a piece of furniture.
One of your favorite words is “THIS.” You walk around the house, or even stores when we go out, and hold up random objects proclaiming, proudly and emphatically, “THIS!” After a few weeks of “this,” I nearly fell out of my chair laughing, but proud, when you pointed at something and said “THAT!”
Most of the time when I look at you I see a beautiful little girl, but every once in a while, I see the baby you used to be. The way you hold your feet in the air while you’re laying on your back, or the way you cuddle with me both can take me back to several months ago. I miss that baby, but I am so proud of the little girl that you are becoming. You are so smart, you have an amazing attention span, you are perceptive, and gentle, and sweet, and loving, and friendly. These are all qualities that will serve you well as you get older. I can’t wait to watch you as you develop from a little girl into a young woman. But for today, it’s those snuggles that I enjoy the most.
It’s been quite a month: big news, big adjustments. Tomorrow morning I go in for the mastectomy. That means I will not be able to lift you for a while after the surgery, maybe even a couple weeks. It’s going to be a bigger adjustment than what you have already experienced, but we are going to get through this. I will find ways to pile pillows around myself so that you can still snuggle with me. There will be a lot more people around the house to help out with things, so you will have an opportunity to make a lot more friends.
All these changes are important, but I also want to make sure that they don’t overshadow you, and your development. You just had your first birthday! We had a big birthday party for you, and Mariajose, with the help of Aunt Trisha, Ericka, and Leonor, made you the most awesome birthday cake that was almost as tall as you.
Bumble Bees and Daisies
You are getting so smart, and it’s so much fun to watch. You ‘read’ your books out loud, pointing at different pictures and sometimes even the words. In each of your books you have a few favorite pages that you return to time and again. I’ve made a habit of leaving a book in your crib when I tuck you in, and often you wake up, discover the book and entertain yourself with it for quite a while before deciding you want some attention. Sometimes, when I hear you ‘reading’ through the monitor, I sneak in and watch you interact with the book. You are so involved that it can be several minutes before you discover that I am in the room with you.
You are also getting feisty and developing a sense of humor. You’ve started hand feeding me some of your Cheerios. Sometimes, you will hold one out for me and wait till my mouth gets right up to it before pulling away and eating it yourself – and then giggling. And then the next Cheerio – you bite it in half and feed me the other half. That is just too cool.
Two weeks ago you took your first international trip. Daddy was invited to speak at a conference at the University of Victoria in Victoria, British Columbia. We decided to make a long weekend of it and stayed for four days at a great little suite hotel. Somehow I managed to lose the battery to my camera for most of the trip, and then found it right before we returned home, so we didn’t get many pictures. But you had a wonderful time. We stayed away from the tourist traps, and hung out in the neighborhoods where the locals live. We went to a huge park full of ponds and ducks and you ran across the grass with your arms waving in the air chasing the ducks. We went to a petting zoo, and you chased the baby pygmy goats around and laughed the whole time.
You decided to sit down inside the Apples to Apples box and Uncle Tim and Aunt Mel\’s Easter party
We have so much fun together, you and me and Daddy. Every day is a new adventure – you make a new discovery or pick up a new mannerism. We got some family pictures taken the other day and in one of the shots you are raising one of your eyebrows at the photographer. You started talking with your hands, waving them around for emphasis. You say hi to everybody as we walk around town, and you love running through the fountains at the mall, with the cold, cold, water. I have to make sure to bring a change of clothes when we go out for a walk, because there is a good chance we will come across a water feature and you will get wet.
I can’t wait to see what you are going to do next.
I’m so lucky I get to be your Mommy, and I’m so lucky I get to be married to your Daddy. I’m just overwhelmed with love and happiness right now.
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