It’s been said that there are few pictures of me where I’m not hiding behind a camera.
That might be true. But, since it’s my birthday, and I’m in a celebratory mood, I thought I’d just prove that there are a few pictures of me sans camera.
Also, since I was going through old photos, I got sucked into a vortex of Gem’s old baby photos. Seriously, people, I have the coolest kid. (This still counts as a picture of me, check out the reflection in her glasses.)
Our 4-year-old asked for a pencil and paper. We were at my husband’s office visiting, and she developed an urgent need for writing implements. We handed them over, and Aaron and I continued our conversation – till we noticed she was writing something.
She was copying down the Arabic alphabet from a graph in the book. Her initiative, her drive, her curiosity, her thirst for knowledge and understanding never cease to amaze me.
Of course I took a picture.
Then when I went to post the picture on Instagram/Facebook, I hesitated.
There have been so many posts rolling around complaining about moms who do nothing but brag on their kid on their Facebook page. I thought about it again, and hesitated again.
Then I posted this on Facebook:
I know I post a lot about how awesome my kid is – and I know it can get annoying. Too bad. Every kid needs someone who pays attention, who notices what’s unique and amazing about them, who champions them. I wish every kid had that. So if you want to post on facebook about how awesome some kid is, some amazing thing they said or did, some spark of genius, or creativity, or compassion you noticed in a young person – rock on. The world needs more of that too.
It wasn’t till that post started generating some positive response, that I finally worked up the nerve and posted the picture about my daughter above.
But why did I hesitate in the first place?
On a logical level, I don’t give a crap what everyone else thinks – but there’s that little girl, deep down inside me still desperate for acceptance and approval. I grew up with an overwhelming fear of being obnoxious and annoying; it was one of my greatest fears, and it kept me isolated.
I have this idea of who I am, and who I think I should be. I think I should be someone who is not driven by fear, especially fear of the opinions of others.
Then I take a look at my behavior and it doesn’t always match.
I think my choices as a parent should be based on what will best help my daughter to grow into a strong and compassionate woman of integrity, but what I do is different. I watch myself making parenting choices based on what I think will negatively or positively impact my popularity. It takes me right back to Freshman locker banks at my high school – an anxiety ridden place, indeed.
This entire scenario reminded me of Ira Glass talking about how a creative person’s sense of taste develops before their skill, so there is this gap between what they think they should be doing and what they’re actually able to do.
That story was life-changing for me.
While Glass was being specific about creativity, I think his point carries over to many other aspects of our lives.
We have this vision of the world, we have this vision of what it means to be a good parent, a good person… We see how our own attitudes and behaviors play into that vision. We know we want to “be the change.”
But there is this gap.
You don’t just wake up one morning and decide to be different, better, and that’s it, done. It takes practice. Years of practice.
But life happens in the meantime. We are all living in the meantime – in the gap.
We don’t get practice time, and then go out and live our lives after we’ve perfected ourselves. We go out and try things, see if they work, we fall down, we get up, we embarrass ourselves, we don’t die of embarrassment – but we don’t get to practice life without an audience. And that audience usually has an opinion. It doesn’t matter.
Life is not about perfection. It’s about doing the best we can, and when we miss the mark, learning from it, course correcting, and moving on.
We need to remember to be gentle with ourselves, to remember that we’re living in the gap. To just keep trying.
And when someone else offends us, well, maybe they’re living in the gap, too.
So here I am, waxing on about wishing I could be as brave as I think I should be, and my little girl just wanted to practice writing new letters. I’m so proud of her, and I want the whole world to know it.
P.S. She calls the Arabic alphabet “letter parties.”
I love the sea. I love its fury. I love its calming presence.
I love the ebb and flow.
So much life and movement and energy.
It is, at once, destructive and regenerative.
I could sit and watch the sea for hours. And sometimes we do.
My loves, both, also enchanted by the sea.
But today, she also wanted to fly.
The theme for her best friend/cousin’s birthday party was superheroes, and my girl was determined to go to this party as Super Girl.
Who is Super Girl? She’s the bestest. She rescues people and stops the bad guys and she’s super fast.
We looked at a lot of superhero costumes, but none of the were fast enough. She needed a super fast costume. And it had to have red in it. And arm bands. And glasses with a crown attached to the top.
Where does she come up with this stuff?
I had my work cut out for me. I came up with this logo, with the star and the words “Super Girl,” but Super Girl said “it wasn’t fast enough.”
And it had to have fire. You can’t have Super Girl without fire.
Back to the drawing board.
Then I came up with this.
When I showed it to her, she smiled and laughed in a way that let me know I was finally moving in the right direction.
Next we had to figure out to which wardrobe items this logo would be affixed. We did not try on every article of clothing she owned, but we came close.
The morning of the party I was still making changes to the logo, and her outfit… Oh, and don’t forget the glasses with the crown attached.
I almost forgot the glasses. Last minute printout of a small version of the logo pasted to a piece of paper I cut out in a shape that approximated a crown, with holes the glasses’ temples could slip through to hold it in place.
Whew! done.
And to make everything that much better, when we got to the party, they had capes!
Happy Birthday, Bella! 🙂
Bonus: Halloween costume is done.
What have you been up to?
We are fans of dinosaurs in this house – note the picture on my little girl’s sweatshirt.
When we saw this dinosaur parking sign, we just had to stop and get pictures.
What made you smile this week?
She’s always been on the go. From the day she was born, she was ready to roll. Before that actually, I went into labor the first time at 32 weeks.
She’s my go getter.
My go girl has strong opinions on everything. She got very angry with me when she saw this picture, “You took my color away!” Dear internets: Don’t tell her I posted this, okay?
But she sure loves her Uncle Timmy. And his motorcycle.
