{"id":7055,"date":"2014-09-29T10:09:13","date_gmt":"2014-09-29T17:09:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/?p=7055"},"modified":"2021-03-18T22:17:05","modified_gmt":"2021-03-19T05:17:05","slug":"cancer-and-parenting-kathy-stokes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/2014\/09\/29\/cancer-and-parenting-kathy-stokes\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Kathy Stokes’ Story"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n\n\n
Age at diagnosis:<\/strong>\u00a046<\/td>\nDiagnosis Date:<\/strong>\u00a0Sept 2012<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Type of Cancer:\u00a0<\/strong>Breast cancer – poorly differentiated invasive ductile
\ncarcinoma. stage I category III<\/td>\n		Stage at Diagnosis:\u00a0<\/strong>Stage 1<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Treatment Plan<\/strong>:\u00a0Bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction,\u00a0Chemo 20
\nweeks followed by 42 add’l weeks with herceptin every 3 weeks<\/td>\n		<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

\"How<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?<\/h4>\n

Explained that we have millions of cells in our bodies and that sometimes some of them go bad. When they stick together they create a tumor. That tumor is cancer. Docs don\u2019t know how we get cancer but they know how to get rid of it. Told them it\u2019s no one\u2019s fault and that it wasn\u2019t contagious. Asked them what questions they had, and we\u2019ve been talking regularly (not scheduled).<\/p>\n

How did your kids respond?<\/h4>\n

11 year old twins. Son had several spot on questions (How do you know it\u2019s even there?) and my daughter shut down. Couldn\u2019t stop crying but wouldn\u2019t talk. I told her that when she wanted to ask anything that I\u2019d answer as best as I could. I told her I loved her. By the end of the day she was her normal self.<\/p>\n

What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?<\/h4>\n

I\u2019m divorced but asked my ex to be there to tell the kids. That was a big support mechanism in the sense of \u201cwe\u2019re fighting this as a family.\u201d Humor works really well with my kids. It opens them up. Eg, at dinner, daughter asks, \u201cDad, can I have another chicken breast?\u201d shortly after my surgery. Then she turned to me and said, \u201cSorry, mom.\u201d And I said, \u201cThat\u2019s ok. I\u2019ll have two!\u201d Laughter all around.<\/p>\n

Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?<\/h4>\n

I do. This is a lot for them to withstand, but if I make it through, which I fully intend, they will have matured in a hard but positive way.<\/p>\n

What advice would you give to other parents\u00a0who are diagnosed with cancer?<\/h4>\n

Be as straight as you can to you kids in the conversation. Tell them what you know them capable of handling. Line up support and tell them you all have backup whenever you need it. Make sure their lives go on as normally as possible through treatment. Don\u2019t let them skip ballet or a music lesson. And tell them as much as they can stand to hear it that you love them.<\/p>\n

What concerns or fears troubled you the most?<\/h4>\n

How my kids would react. And chemo without a partner to help me, and the need to protect my kids from the hard stuff.<\/p>\n

How did you deal with those fears?<\/h4>\n

I continue to see a therapist weekly. Hugely helpful.<\/p>\n

Have those fears and concerns changed over time?<\/h4>\n

Still working on it<\/p>\n

What was your darkest moment?<\/h4>\n

Haven\u2019t had it yet. If I did, it must not have been that bad.<\/p>\n

Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?<\/h4>\n

On how to talk to kids: http:\/\/www.tellingkidsaboutcancer.com\/<\/a><\/p>\n

I joined a private FB community, but honestly, it was too depressing and everyone was so angry. So not a ton of help.<\/p>\n

Did cancer\/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse\/partner?<\/h4>\n

Ex-spouse. Nope, it\u2019s as dysfunctional as it\u2019s always been<\/p>\n

Are there any resources that you recommend?<\/h4>\n

Look Good Feel Better<\/a><\/p>\n

What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?<\/h4>\n

My kids are 11 so the biggest thing was lining up help from friends to drive them when needed, have them over after school, etc.<\/p>\n

\"coffeejitters<\/p>\n

You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series<\/a> here:<\/p>\n

\"manage<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m divorced but asked my ex to be there to tell the kids. That was a big support mechanism in the sense of \u201cwe\u2019re fighting this as a family.\u201d Humor works really well with my kids. It opens them up. Eg, at dinner, daughter asks, \u201cDad, can I have another chicken breast?\u201d shortly after my surgery. Then she turned to me and said, \u201cSorry, mom.\u201d And I said, \u201cThat\u2019s ok. I\u2019ll have two!\u201d Laughter all around.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7056,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[834,1053],"tags":[838,452,839,476,477,858,852,354,859,849,864],"class_list":["post-7055","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-how-to-juggle-cancer-and-parenting","category-parenting-with-cancer","tag-bilateral-mastectomy","tag-breast-cancer","tag-divorce","tag-her2","tag-herceptin","tag-idc","tag-kids-age-11-15","tag-reconstruction","tag-single-parent","tag-stage-1-at-diagnosis","tag-survivor-stories","et-has-post-format-content","et_post_format-et-post-format-standard"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?fit=755%2C386","blog_post_layout_featured_media_urls":{"thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?resize=150%2C150",150,150,true],"full":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?fit=755%2C386",755,386,false]},"categories_names":{"834":{"name":"How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/category\/parenting-with-cancer\/how-to-juggle-cancer-and-parenting\/"},"1053":{"name":"Parenting with Cancer","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/category\/parenting-with-cancer\/"}},"tags_names":{"838":{"name":"Bilateral Mastectomy","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/bilateral-mastectomy\/"},"452":{"name":"breast cancer","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/breast-cancer\/"},"839":{"name":"divorce","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/divorce\/"},"476":{"name":"HER2+","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/her2\/"},"477":{"name":"Herceptin","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/herceptin\/"},"858":{"name":"IDC","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/idc\/"},"852":{"name":"kids age 11-15","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/kids-age-11-15\/"},"354":{"name":"reconstruction","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/reconstruction\/"},"859":{"name":"single parent","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/single-parent\/"},"849":{"name":"Stage 1 at Diagnosis","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/stage-1-at-diagnosis\/"},"864":{"name":"survivor stories","link":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/tag\/survivor-stories\/"}},"comments_number":0,"wpmagazine_modules_lite_featured_media_urls":{"thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?resize=150%2C150",150,150,true],"cvmm-medium":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?resize=300%2C300",300,300,true],"cvmm-medium-plus":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?resize=305%2C207",305,207,true],"cvmm-portrait":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?resize=400%2C386",400,386,true],"cvmm-medium-square":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?resize=600%2C386",600,386,true],"cvmm-large":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?resize=755%2C386",755,386,true],"cvmm-small":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?resize=130%2C95",130,95,true],"full":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/KathyStokes.jpg?fit=755%2C386",755,386,false]},"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1fDeG-1PN","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":172,"url":"http:\/\/coffeejitters.net\/blog\/2008\/04\/12\/sunset\/","url_meta":{"origin":7055,"position":0},"title":"Sunset","author":"Judy Schwartz Haley","date":"","format":false,"excerpt":"Sunset, originally uploaded by coffeejitters. 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