How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
Stage by stage: chemo: “I have cancer in my breast and need to take medicine to make the cancer go away. The medicine is called chemo.” “I’ll go to the doctor a lot and might get tired. You’ll still go to school everyday. We’ll have dinner together every night….” surgery: “My doctor is going to take the cancer away in a surgery. When I come home, I’ll be sore and have boo-boos.” We practiced ways we could hug and snuggle that wouldn’t involve my chest – hand hugs, leg hugs, finger hugs. radiation: “I have to go to radiation every day. Radiation is a lot like having an x-ray. Remember when you had an x-ray after….”
How did your kids respond?
My kids were young enough that they didn’t associate cancer with death. They took it in stride and asked many questions along the way. We answered them all honestly. Sometimes they complained that I didn’t always go to swim class with them or other things that they were used to. Sometimes they worried about me, tried to take care of me by getting blankets or food for me. Mostly, they just went about their normal routines.
I think that surgery was the hardest for them. At diagnosis, I had just stopped nursing my 2 year old. He was still quite attached to my breasts. When I showed the kids my scars, he said “no more babies can drink from there anymore. I don’t like it!” They have gotten used to my flat chest and scars now. My oldest even asked why all the mannequins at Victoria’s Secret have breasts. “Not all ladies have breasts!”
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
honesty. I think my kids would have been more scared if they sensed things were different but didn’t know why. We also kept their daycare providers in the loop. We told them the exact language we were using to describe what was happening to me so they could use it too.
Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
In terms of the kids? No.
How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?
My kids still talk about it some. They play “cancer.” One kid pretends to have cancer while the other pretends to be a friend bringing over food. They take care of each other and say things like, “I’m sorry you have cancer. Would you like a leg hug?” Occasionally, something dramatic happens. My oldest recently had a nightmare about a witch plucking out all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. Clearly, it has had an impact. We just keep talking about it.
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
Yes. Long term, I worry about a recurrence, about dying, about leaving my husband with 2 boys to raise on his own. I hope though, that this was just another experience among many in their childhoods. It will, no doubt, impact them. I don’t want it to dominate them though.
What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Tell your kids, talk about it, don’t hide it. Secrecy causes more fear.
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
that my biological son will get cancer
How did you deal with those fears?
deep breaths, reality checks
Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision?
We were already fostering our oldest at diagnosis. We have since adopted him. The process was a little more difficult because of cancer.
What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
regular spa visits, acupuncture, many dates with friends and hubby for movies or tea, parties
Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?
Yes. I practically demanded it. The day I was diagnosed I emailed about 100 people. I told them what was happening and that I would need them. My friends then set up committees and divided duties into categories: food, childcare, chemo buddies/medical appts, housekeeping. We used Lots of Helping Hands to keep everything organized. When I needed something, I just contacted the key person for the appropriate category and it materialized.
Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
No. I knew that if I didn’t ask for help all of the burden would fall on my husband and mother.
Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
Treatment Plan: Chemo, surgery (single mast) and radiation
Current Status: No evidence of disease
How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
She was too young
How did your kids respond?
Too young
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
Allowing our community to help in any way they were willing and able. I also had to let go of a lot of my parenting ideals and live in survival mode. An example is letting my child watch tv younger and more often than I’d planned.
Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
Not really
How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?
Gratefully my daughter was so young the impact of cancer was minimal. The only thing I noticed was once treatment was over I had to rebuild my relationship a bit as she was used to spending more time with other caretakers.
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
Only in my fear of recurrence.
What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Ask for and receive help. We are all super moms but we don’t have to be supermom
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
Death, not being there to raise them.
How did you deal with those fears?
Counseling and antidepressants
Have those fears and concerns changed over time?
They’ve lessened some
What was your darkest moment?
After surgery I really struggled and ultimately decided to go on antidepressants when I was crying every day and not feeling relief
What was your best moment?
When my diagnosis anniversary passed by and I didn’t notice until a week or so later. I felt to some extent I had moved on from cancer
Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision? Do you have suggestions for other women considering a post- cancer treatment pregnancy, surrogacy, or adoption?
I underwent fertility preservation prior to treatment to ensure we could continue our family post cancer. Then I accidentally ended up pregnant two and a half months after finishing treatment. Since I was hormone negative my doctors weren’t concerned about the timing even though ideally they had wanted me to wait two years. My advice is you need to live your life despite the cancer. Do what makes you happy, because the truth is you never know- you could beat cancer and die in a car accident.
What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
As finances allowed I splurged on alternative treatments such as massage, acupuncture and chiropractors. I also made sure to do things that brought me pleasure such as pedicures and singing in annual performances.
Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?
I have had the privilege of experiencing the depth and breadth of love and support my community has to offer because of my cancer
Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
I struggled asking for and receiving help because it felt somehow like I was less than. If help is offered- take it. If someone says “what can I do?” Be honest even if it is cleaning your house or cooking a meal. The website lotsa helping hands was immensely helpful in managing the help also. I recommend asking someone close to help you manage it.
Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
Young survival coalition and lotsa helping hands were my two primary online resources
Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?
Yes though I’m not fully sure how yet. We are still recovering
Do you have any relationship advice for young moms dealing with cancer?
Take a deep breath, you can get through this
What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?
Cancer is a medical diagnosis, not an identity. It colors who you are just as any major experience would, be it pregnancy, pets, kids, diabetes, etc. However, it does not define you or your future.
For loved ones, give offers of help, but be specific. Patients don’t have the capacity to figure out what would be helpful most of the time. If you plan to do something in honor of the person, ask first if they are comfortable with that. I had a family member walk in my honor twice and make a big deal about it and want me there. I felt like a prize pig on display and it felt awful.
Were there any cancer-related activities or events in which you participated that you think were especially helpful to you or members of your family?
I was connected with one other woman who was a young mother going through treatment at my center. It was so helpful to have her to talk to. Counseling was also very very helpful.
Are there any resources that you recommend?
Young survival coalition
Lotsa helping hands
Do you have a blog or website where you share your stories about parenting while battling cancer?
Www.ourgauthierfamily.blogspot.com
What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?
Ask for help- neighbors, friends, family. You can’t do it alone. If all you can manage is a movie marathon and take out food, that is ok. It is a temporary situation and will not do permanent damage. Talk to your doctors about your unique needs in caring for your child during treatment and how to adapt accordingly. Sometimes snuggling in bed with a book or a movie is all they need when you can’t pick them up.
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer – Right Breast Metaplastic
Carcinoma with transitions to spindle cells.
stage at diagnosis: Stage 1
Treatment Plan: Lumpectomy, chemotherapy and radiation
Current Status: Cancer Free!!!!
How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
Because my husband’s grandmother of cancer had died just 2 months prior, and my son had a difficult time with her death, we were very reluctant to tell him I had ‘cancer’ at first. We initially told him that Mommy had some very bad germs in her ‘chi chi’ and (because originally I was told I needed to have a mastectomy) we told him that the doctor was going to have to remove my ‘chi chi’ to get rid of the germs. That changed and I had lumpectomy instead.
We told him that Mommy needed to take some strong medicine that was going to make her very sick and tired, but through it all, no matter what, I still loved him. I was going to need lots of help taking care of him, and that I needed him to help take care of me sometimes. We also shared a book with him called ‘Mommy has cancer’.
How did your kids respond?
My son is very empathetic. He was very in tune with my emotions and could sense when I was sad or sick and would hug and love on me. He did at first check inside of my shirt to see if my breasts were still there. We tried to not tell him ever that mommy might die, so as not to worry him about that. But, we did want him to understand the seriousness and that I would be very sick.
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
My parents went through a divorce at the time of my treatment, so my mother came to live with me. It was wonderful to have another adult in the house to help with the burdens of keeping house and taking care of a toddler. I realize not everyone has this option, but essentially, I think we need to ask for help and allow people to help. We have to be a little selfish and take care of ourselves. If we don’t take care of our own health and mental well being, we are not able to be there wholly for our children. I did one thing that I am so glad I did. I had photographs taken of my son kissing my bald head. It is a physical reminder for us all to cherish every day. I also feel that it was a lesson to my son (and myself) that we are not our appearances. We shouldn’t judge people by the way they look because you don’t know what they are enduring.
Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
I have no regrets about my journey with cancer, ultimately it has been a tremendous blessing in my life. It taught me a lifetime of lessons of faith, strength and love.
How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?
I am well now, and have been blessed with another child. However, my son who was 3 when I was diagnosed is now 10. He does ask questions and seems concerned whenever I go to the doctor or have routine scans or mammograms. I try not to worry him, but ask him to pray for me. Cancer allowed faith into our family. God had not been a part of our daily lives, in fact I avoided the mention of ‘God’ at all cost before cancer. I didn’t want my son to have such ‘fairy tales’ shoved down his throat. But, cancer was a pathway to Christ for our family. It has changed the way I parent, and the wife that I am. And, has allowed us all to examine the purpose in our lives.
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
Yes. I guess I feel SLIGHTLY less concerned in that I have male children. I realize they do have an increased risk for breast cancer, but I also worry about their overall cancer risk.
What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Have faith, take care of yourself, allow others to help you. Let go of the idea of the perfect house and perfect parenting. You can only be a parent if you are alive to do it…so take care of your health. Find people you trust, whether through churches or schools whom you trust to help you take care of your children when you aren’t well enough. Be honest with your children, but try not to burden them with adult worries.
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
At first, I was so worried about what my son would do without a mother, and that I would financially devastate my family. I was worried that my husband would have problems with my new body.
How did you deal with those fears?
Ultimately, I found a faith that allowed me to lay those problems at the feet of Jesus. It allowed me freedom from many of those worries and a focus on getting well. My husband was very supportive and my worries became unfounded. Friends blessed me by having benefits in my honor to help with the financial burdens.
Have those fears and concerns changed over time?
Yes. I now have another baby. I worry that something will happen to my husband and that I will fall ill and my children will be left without parents.
What was your darkest moment?
My darkest moment was the day I was diagnosed. I had suffered a miscarriage 2 1/2 months prior. My primary focus was having another child. When the surgeon told me I had cancer and I asked her if I would ever have another baby, she hesitated and said, ‘not for a very long time.’ I asked her if I was going to die, she told me not if we treated this very quickly and aggressively.
That day, my friends came over. I felt like I was numb, and that the world was happening around me while I was stuck in a nightmare. People were crying and cleaning my house around me. I felt like I was at my own wake.
What was your best moment?
Easy…accepting the Lord, Jesus Christ as my savior. Calling on him in my most desperate time to heal me, to take my cancer, my fear and my anxiety. And he responded with an inexplicable peace.
Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision?
No one highly recommended that I have more children, although my cancer was hormone negative. I did look into freezing eggs before I started treatment, but ultimately decided we couldn’t afford it. I did look into some clinical studies and found that taking Zoladex, even though I was triple negative, was found to preserve ovarian function in most women under 40. So, after being refused the zoladex by my oncologist, I sought the help of my gynecologist who did give me the zoladex treatments. It put me into menopause for the time of my treatment. 2 months after stopping the Zoladex, my cycles returned. And after about 3 years, my husband and I stopped trying to avoid pregnancy. I became pregnant 4 years after my diagnosis.
What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
Baths and naps. I bought myself scarfs and wigs (although rarely wore them) and also, relatives sent me money to do what I wanted with them, so I treated myself to some comfortable pajamas.
Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
You just have to suck up your pride, and take people up on their offers to help. People feel out of control quite often, but want to do something. I usually just asked people to pray for me, or to just visit with me.
Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?
Yes, it taught us to prioritize our lives. It made us closer and tighter and stronger and put us on the same page spiritually. I felt very guilty at the beginning. I kept apologizing to my husband that he didn’t sign up for the one boobed bald headed wife. But, he loves me and that shone through.
Do you have any relationship advice for young moms dealing with cancer?
Be honest about your feelings, and allow your spouse to be honest about theirs. This is difficult for all of us and they are going through it too. I often felt like it was harder for my husband, because at least I felt like I was doing something about it. He just had to stand by…he felt that he had to hide his emotions and fear and be the rock for me.
What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?
I wish the people would not send me information that suggests that I might have caused my cancer by some behavior. I wish that people would understand that stress causes a breeding ground for cancer and that I don’t want to deal with other people’s drama. I would tell other friends and family to help…out of love, not control, to not tell the patient that it’s all in their mind. I would tell them to pray for and with the person suffering and remind them how much they are loved. I would tell them that no matter how many people there are supporting them, the patient often feels alone, and that no one truly understands what they are going through. Allow them that feeling, but remind them that you are there for them if they need to talk. Allow them to complain. It sucks, it’s sickening, it’s painful at times, its terrifying. Don’t try to rob them of their right to their fears and pain. Don’t tell them about everyone you know who died of cancer. Don’t pretend to know everything about their cancer.
Were there any cancer-related activities or events in which you participated that you think were especially helpful to you or members of your family?
Reach to recovery was helpful initially, but really just building one on one relationships with other YOUNG survivors and really making connections with other women with same concerns. I began speaking at events, such as Making Strides Against Breast Cancer also sharing at churches and with other people in waiting rooms etc.
What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?
I was blessed with an incredible support system. The problems I had were more my own. I had to learn to accept ‘good enough’. I had to learn to sometimes put myself first, and allow my husband to just be a father the way he wanted to…to be the primary care taker. It was also very important to me that I did not promise my son that I would not die, as that was a possibility. What I wanted him to know was that I would love him no matter what. So, I started telling him that ‘I love you all the time.’ I told him I loved him no matter where I was, or where he was, no matter what the time of day, whether we were young or old, or whether he could see me or not.
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer – Stage IIIC triple negative breast cancer
Stage at Diagnosis: Stage IIIC
Treatment Plan: double mastectomy, 16 rounds of chemo 1 year of avastin
and 25 radiation treatments.
Current Status: Currently NED
How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
We talked about the surgery to remove the sick breasts we talked about the medications and how they would cause. me to lose my hair and make me tired and not feel good. We had several books.
How did your kids respond?
Both girls were 3 years old and they did well we had a lot of support.
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
accept help when offered and ask for help when you need it,
Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
I wish I had been well enough to work through treatment; the financial struggles were awful and still are. I should have asked for help sooner. People want to help and need to know what they can do.
How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?
I think some of the effects are just starting to show. The girls worry more than they should have to. They do not really remember how sick I was. Just that I was bald.
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
I worry that as they get older the realities of cancer and the risk of losing ones life will worry them. They were to young to understand that cancer could kill.
What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Be as honest as you can with your children. They will know something is wrong. If you talk to them they will be less fearful. I think the unknown is more frightening than the truth.
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
The fear of not being here to raise my little girls. I was blessed by adoption and I was terrified I would not be alive to see my babies go to kindergarten. They are now 1st and 2 graders.
How did you deal with those fears?
I strengthened my faith and did everything in my power to get healthy.
Have those fears and concerns changed over time?
I still worry that the cancer will come back. I just take it one day at a time.
What was your darkest moment?
getting the pathology back after my mastectomy.
What was your best moment?
the last day of active treatment
Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision?
I would love another child
What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
I rested when I needed to and spent time with family and friends
Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?
yes. I was lucky
Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
It was difficult and still is. But I have found that many want to help and do not know how to offer. They are often grateful to be able to do something for you.
Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
Young Survival Coalition
Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?
Yes very negatively. In the long run we will be getting a divorce
What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?
That cancer does not end when treatment ends; it forever changes you.
Were there any cancer-related activities or events in which you participated that you think were especially helpful to you or members of your family
What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?
I was lucky my parents live close (5 minutes) so they kept my girls the night before treatment and the night after. They also kept them for the 4-6 week stretch after my mastectomy so I would not lift them. I was close enough to see them anytime and was able to let my body heal.
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