How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
We used the local Gilda’s club
How did your kids respond?
It was a very positive experience
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
I kept their routine as normal as possible
Did not give them too much information
Let them asked questions if they wanted to know more
Kept very open lines of communication
Used a lot of professional help- Gilda’s club and local help from my hospital with this
Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
No
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
Yes
What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Don’t give your children too much info
Cancer is very scary for children.
Children process info VERY different than adults. Let them ask questions (if they have any) and follow their lead
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
How did my diagnosis and treatment impact my children
How did you deal with those fears?
Time will tell
Have those fears and concerns changed over time?
Yes, As more time passes-I think about this less
What was your darkest moment?
Mental breakdown and depression 18 months after diagnosis
What was your best moment?
Every day (including today)
I love my life and my family and still think I am a very lucky person!!!
I am blessed
What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
My husband put me first. Everything just fell into place: Whatever I needed – I got – whenever I needed it.
Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?
Yes- I have an amazing group of friends
You know the statement-it takes a village. I have a village.
Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
Very difficult. It is very humbling. Especially when you are used to doing and not needing.
Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?
Yes, Not in a negative way. I fully understand how much my husband loves me. As I said- I am a very lucky person
Do you have any relationship advice for young moms dealing with cancer?
Be honest.
What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?
Just because you look ok on the outside- it doesn’t mean you are ok on the inside.
Cancer is not like strep. You are not better in 5 days. It can take awhile (even years) until you are ok.
Type of Cancer: Stage II right breast cancer.
2 out of 15 nodes +. TNBC, BRCA1+
Stage at Diagnosis: Stage 2
Treatment Plan: Have gone through surgery,
chemo (6 rounds of TAC). Radiation and more surgery to follow
How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
We were very up front with our girls. We used a book to show them what we were talking about. We were honest about all of the treatments and surgery. It was horrible for a few days… but it made it a lot less scary for them when each step occurred. The teenager was actually a little more difficult… she hears cancer and automatically thinks death. It took lots of sit down talks with her
How did your kids respond?
The little ones cried the most when I told them I was going to lose my hair. I had very long thick hair and one of their favorite things to do was play with it and style it. The teenager sobbed off and on for days…. and again when we hit any of the numerous “bumps” in the road
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
We involved the little ones as much as they wanted to be involved. We had a head shaving party and they got to shave it with clippers. They wanted to be involved with dressings and drains too so we involved them as much as possible. Let them pick out scarves.
Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
Not really. I do not regret for a day being as open and honest as we were
How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?
I am still in treatment so a tough one to answer. I have had multiple complications with wound healing and have had 4 hospitalizations. Those are tough on the girls because usually Mommy is always there
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
None… other than the fact that I am BRCA1+ which means they could be as well. Me having breast cancer has turned them into amazing, compassionate, strong girls
What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Be as honest as possible. Kids are amazing, adaptive little people. They will read things off of you. If you are open about it, they will normally be open about their feelings. I would tell my girls when I was afraid of something and would at times cry in front of them. This showed them that it was okay to be afraid and cry. Although, I kept my major meltdowns for behind closed doors
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
Recurrence or my children having the gene
How did you deal with those fears?
One day at a time… it’s all you can do
Have those fears and concerns changed over time?
No
What was your darkest moment?
Leaving my family vacation to be hospitalized…. also leaving from the hospital where my daughter had pretty significant surgery to go directly to another hospital to be admitted for almost a week
What was your best moment?
When I see my kids brag about their mom. when they tell me that I’m beautiful bald and shouldn’t wear anything on my head. My 6 year old chose me for “hero day” at school. I am in the Army Reserves… she asked me to come to her presentation bald with my uniform on. She cried when I walked it she was so excited to share me with her friends and teachers.
Do you have suggestions for other women considering a post- cancer treatment pregnancy, surrogacy, or adoption?
I had a prophylactic total hysterectomy 4 months prior to diagnosis. So, unfortunately I have no recommendations
What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
Taking care of me has been the biggest struggle. I allow myself time to cry and cope with everything going around. I allow alot more time snuggling with my girls.
Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?
Somewhat. I don’t have much family in the area, but I had a few friends that were absolutely amazing during treatment
Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
Like many women I am my own worst enemy in asking for help. I am a nurse which makes it worse. I am also in the military so am used to being completely independent. My husband, family, and friends stopped waiting for me to ask for help. They just showed up when they knew things were rough. I knew if I told them I didn’t know how I was going to do something…. one of them would be right there
Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
Facebook YSC page was great. American cancer society. I had a case manager through my insurance with a direct line and email
Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?
Yes. Although we have an amazing relationship and have managed to make the necessary changes to our relationship to make it as great as possible under the circumstances
Do you have any relationship advice for young moms dealing with cancer?
Let him see you cry. Let him know that it is ok for him to cry. I have been on both sides of the fence… having cancer and watching a person I love go through it. At times I do not know which is worse. Be as open and honest as possible. Try and laugh about it some of the quirky side effects etc. Laughter is amazing medicine and lets your partner know that it’s okay to laugh
What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?
One of the biggest things for me was….. Just because I manage to look good (make up, jewelry and a smile) that does NOT mean that I don’t feel miserable. The little things mean a lot… a random text just to say hi. stopping in for coffee, laugh with your loved one… its really ok. Also remember…. despite having cancer and the many changes that go with treatment…. they are still the same person. Try to support, but don’t make life revolve around cancer
Were there any cancer-related activities or events in which you participated that you think were especially helpful to you or members of your family?
I signed up for Making Strides within a few weeks of being diagnosed. It made me feel somewhat in control. It also gave me as well as my family and friends something to focus on. It was an amazing experience
What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?
I usually bribed with a special snack or extra snuggle time with Mommy. The snuggle time was the big seller. I also praised them continually when they were really good or did extra stuff to be helpful. It empowered them to feel that they had some control over things… and were helping mommy heal.
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer – poorly differentiated invasive ductile
carcinoma. stage I category III
Stage at Diagnosis: Stage 1
Treatment Plan: Bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, Chemo 20
weeks followed by 42 add’l weeks with herceptin every 3 weeks
How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
Explained that we have millions of cells in our bodies and that sometimes some of them go bad. When they stick together they create a tumor. That tumor is cancer. Docs don’t know how we get cancer but they know how to get rid of it. Told them it’s no one’s fault and that it wasn’t contagious. Asked them what questions they had, and we’ve been talking regularly (not scheduled).
How did your kids respond?
11 year old twins. Son had several spot on questions (How do you know it’s even there?) and my daughter shut down. Couldn’t stop crying but wouldn’t talk. I told her that when she wanted to ask anything that I’d answer as best as I could. I told her I loved her. By the end of the day she was her normal self.
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
I’m divorced but asked my ex to be there to tell the kids. That was a big support mechanism in the sense of “we’re fighting this as a family.” Humor works really well with my kids. It opens them up. Eg, at dinner, daughter asks, “Dad, can I have another chicken breast?” shortly after my surgery. Then she turned to me and said, “Sorry, mom.” And I said, “That’s ok. I’ll have two!” Laughter all around.
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
I do. This is a lot for them to withstand, but if I make it through, which I fully intend, they will have matured in a hard but positive way.
What advice would you give to other parents who are diagnosed with cancer?
Be as straight as you can to you kids in the conversation. Tell them what you know them capable of handling. Line up support and tell them you all have backup whenever you need it. Make sure their lives go on as normally as possible through treatment. Don’t let them skip ballet or a music lesson. And tell them as much as they can stand to hear it that you love them.
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
How my kids would react. And chemo without a partner to help me, and the need to protect my kids from the hard stuff.
How did you deal with those fears?
I continue to see a therapist weekly. Hugely helpful.
Have those fears and concerns changed over time?
Still working on it
What was your darkest moment?
Haven’t had it yet. If I did, it must not have been that bad.
Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
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