What I Didn’t Know

What I Didn’t Know

I am humbled and wowed by your response to my Wanna-Be-Mommy post about infertility. We’ve been trying to conceive for four years and I was feeling hormonal and tired and cranky and quite frankly nearly giving up hope when I wrote that piece. Your response lifted my spirits.

It is amazing to me that I can post a message to the internet and receive such an outpouring of support and comfort and hope. So many of you I could not pick out of a police lineup, yet given a paragraph of your writing I’d know exactly who you are. Thank you, all of you.

This week has been busy for me. My world has been turned upside down and sent spinning. I’ve fallen behind on my blog reading and commenting, in fact at the moment I’ve got well over a thousand posts in my reader. I’ve been extended another award, to which I have yet to respond. Thank you, My2Boyz! And I’m trying not to let myself get too far behind on my homework from school.

You see, the dizziness, and the hormones, and the fatigue were not just in my head. What I didn’t know when I wrote that post last week, was that I was already
pregnant - CoffeeJitters.Net


[happy dance]

Thank you, all of you, for your support. You have no idea how much it means to me. I imagine I’ll need your support and advice even more over the coming months and years.




I haven’t talked in this blog much about my infertility issues. Sometimes I have to wait till I’m ready to open the door on a topic.

We’re starving college students with no money. We haven’t really tried much beyond Clomid, Metformin and lots and lots of practice. On the other hand, I’m not that far off from 40, in fact she’s openly mocking me. I’m starting to feel the old biological clock speed up.

I know the vast majority of my readers are Mommies. I also know that for many of you, conceiving that little bundle of joy was not quite as easy as we were led to believe in health class.

One of the questions I ponder is: if we don’t have enough money, or even a house to mortgage, for fertility treatments or adoption, how on earth are we going to have enough money to properly care for a child? I know that’s not helpful. I know there’s a big difference between shelling out $10 to $50K up-front and shelling out the same amount over an extended period of time. What is it that makes us so susceptible to self-doubt?

We’re also considering adoption or fostering, but my husband’s work, once he finishes this Master’s degree, will most likely involve us living abroad. We need to be able to take the kids, possibly permanently, out of the country.

So here’s the point: I’m asking for your advice. What do you suggest? What worked for you? Any words of wisdom you want to share with me and all the other wanna-be-mommies out there?

UPDATE: What I didn’t know when I wrote this post was that I was already pregnant!

On being content

On being content

fish crossing - CoffeeJitters.Net
The first of June. A new week. A new month. It’s like a new start the first day of each month. May is old news, as is yesterday. I sit here in a little french bakery with my coffee and crossant, my journal, and the rest of my life stretched out in front of me. On days like today, anything is possible. All is potential.

I’m getting used to the idea of being content, which may be why I’m blogging about it so much lately. I’m not accustomed to this feeling. I used to think that contentment would make me lazy, that I would lose any sense of ambition or drive to improve. In truth, I’ve found the opposite is true. By removing myself from a toxic work environment, I have opened up room in my life for healthier ways of spending my energy. I’m more creative and energetic. I no longer find myself monitoring my anxiety level, the anxiety is gone. I no longer lose sleep over work, and as a result I am better able to handle any challenge or emergency with which I am faced.

It is not as though my life is suddenly stress free. My life is full of challenges. We went from having a modest income to living off of student loans. Money is a significant source of stress. After my husband’s bout with pneumonia last month, our lack of health insurance has become a greater source of stress. We have plenty to worry about. But the worry is not making me sick.

Someone once explained to me that nature always seeks a balance. Two bowls of water connected by a wick will eventually equalize their water levels. The same goes for our lives. Whether or not we do so consciously, we seek balance. “You must let go of things in order to make room in your life for new gifts.” In this case, I had to let go of an income I thought I couldn’t live without in order to gain peace of mind. I should consider this lesson in light of our infertility issues. What else am I clinging to that is actually holding me back?

Birds & Bees

While looking at my pictures of my zucchini plants, mom mentioned that all the flowers were male.

Me: How do you know if they’re male or female?
Mom: Look for fruit or just a stalk right under the bud.
Me: So does the male have fruit or just a stalk?
Mom: Female has the fruit, do we have to talk about the birds and the bees again?
Me: So should I pinch off all the male flowers so the nutrients go to the females?
Mom: You can pinch off most of them, but you need at least one male for pollination. You really weren’t listening during that birds and bees talk, were you?

Sheds a new light on our infertility issues…