How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Kathy Stokes’ Story

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Kathy Stokes’ Story

Age at diagnosis: 46 Diagnosis Date: Sept 2012
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer – poorly differentiated invasive ductile
carcinoma. stage I category III
Stage at Diagnosis: Stage 1
Treatment Plan: Bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, Chemo 20
weeks followed by 42 add’l weeks with herceptin every 3 weeks

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Kathy Stokes' Story

 

How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?

Explained that we have millions of cells in our bodies and that sometimes some of them go bad. When they stick together they create a tumor. That tumor is cancer. Docs don’t know how we get cancer but they know how to get rid of it. Told them it’s no one’s fault and that it wasn’t contagious. Asked them what questions they had, and we’ve been talking regularly (not scheduled).

How did your kids respond?

11 year old twins. Son had several spot on questions (How do you know it’s even there?) and my daughter shut down. Couldn’t stop crying but wouldn’t talk. I told her that when she wanted to ask anything that I’d answer as best as I could. I told her I loved her. By the end of the day she was her normal self.

What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?

I’m divorced but asked my ex to be there to tell the kids. That was a big support mechanism in the sense of “we’re fighting this as a family.” Humor works really well with my kids. It opens them up. Eg, at dinner, daughter asks, “Dad, can I have another chicken breast?” shortly after my surgery. Then she turned to me and said, “Sorry, mom.” And I said, “That’s ok. I’ll have two!” Laughter all around.

Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?

I do. This is a lot for them to withstand, but if I make it through, which I fully intend, they will have matured in a hard but positive way.

What advice would you give to other parents who are diagnosed with cancer?

Be as straight as you can to you kids in the conversation. Tell them what you know them capable of handling. Line up support and tell them you all have backup whenever you need it. Make sure their lives go on as normally as possible through treatment. Don’t let them skip ballet or a music lesson. And tell them as much as they can stand to hear it that you love them.

What concerns or fears troubled you the most?

How my kids would react. And chemo without a partner to help me, and the need to protect my kids from the hard stuff.

How did you deal with those fears?

I continue to see a therapist weekly. Hugely helpful.

Have those fears and concerns changed over time?

Still working on it

What was your darkest moment?

Haven’t had it yet. If I did, it must not have been that bad.

Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?

On how to talk to kids: http://www.tellingkidsaboutcancer.com/

I joined a private FB community, but honestly, it was too depressing and everyone was so angry. So not a ton of help.

Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?

Ex-spouse. Nope, it’s as dysfunctional as it’s always been

Are there any resources that you recommend?

Look Good Feel Better

What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?

My kids are 11 so the biggest thing was lining up help from friends to drive them when needed, have them over after school, etc.

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You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series here:

manage cancer and parenting

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series: Ari’s Story

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series: Ari’s Story

Age at diagnosis: 34 Diagnosis Date: 2009
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer – Stage IIIC triple negative breast cancer Stage at Diagnosis: Stage IIIC
Treatment Plan: double mastectomy, 16 rounds of chemo 1 year of avastin
and 25 radiation treatments.
Current Status: Currently NED

Ari's Story

How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?

We talked about the surgery to remove the sick breasts we talked about the medications and how they would cause. me to lose my hair and make me tired and not feel good. We had several books.

How did your kids respond?

Both girls were 3 years old and they did well we had a lot of support.

What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?

accept help when offered and ask for help when you need it,

Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

I wish I had been well enough to work through treatment; the financial struggles were awful and still are. I should have asked for help sooner. People want to help and need to know what they can do.

How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew?  Did it change?

I think some of the effects are just starting to show. The girls worry more than they should have to. They do not really remember how sick I was. Just that I was bald.

Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?

I worry that as they get older the realities of cancer and the risk of losing ones life will worry them. They were to young to understand that cancer could kill.

What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?

Be as honest as you can with your children. They will know something is wrong. If you talk to them they will be less fearful. I think the unknown is more frightening than the truth.

What concerns or fears troubled you the most?

The fear of not being here to raise my little girls. I was blessed by adoption and I was terrified I would not be alive to see my babies go to kindergarten. They are now 1st and 2 graders.

How did you deal with those fears?

I strengthened my faith and did everything in my power to get healthy.

Have those fears and concerns changed over time?

I still worry that the cancer will come back. I just take it one day at a time.

What was your darkest moment?

getting the pathology back after my mastectomy.

What was your best moment?

the last day of active treatment

Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision?

I would love another child

What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?

I rested when I needed to and spent time with family and friends

Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?

yes. I was lucky

Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?

It was difficult and still is. But I have found that many want to help and do not know how to offer. They are often grateful to be able to do something for you.

Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?

Young Survival Coalition

Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?

Yes very negatively. In the long run we will be getting a divorce

What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?

That cancer does not end when treatment ends; it forever changes you.

Were there any cancer-related activities or events in which you participated that you think were especially helpful to you or members of your family

YSC & LBBC conferences

Are there any resources that you recommend?

LBBC and YSC

What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?

I was lucky my parents live close (5 minutes) so they kept my girls the night before treatment and the night after. They also kept them for the 4-6 week stretch after my mastectomy so I would not lift them. I was close enough to see them anytime and was able to let my body heal.cancer does not end when treatment ends

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You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series here:

manage cancer and parenting