When Gratitude is Difficult

When Gratitude is Difficult

There have been times, oh so many times, when the thought of compiling a list of things for which to be grateful was a little more than I could bear. Those are moments when gratitude is difficult.

Life can be difficult. Excruciating, even.

Sometimes, getting through one hour after another, means holding your breath till you remember that you are supposed to inhale and exhale. Then, those repeated steps become your occupation until you think of something else to get you through the next block of time.  I’ll just hold on till the end of this show, or till Mom gets here, or till Aaron gets home, or till the baby wakes up. Then you make another deal to get through the next time span.

What is your touchpoint?

I remember those days during chemotherapy, when my stomach churned and my head spun, but the worst part was the unbelievable pain from the bone marrow stimulating shots that I had to give myself the day after each chemo. My shins ached and burned; they felt like the bone would split open, and no pain reliever would touch it.

My husband would place one of his palms on each shin and somehow found just the right amount of pressure. The combination of the heat of his hand and the pressure lifted the pain just enough. The first time he did that, I let out a sob. He stopped and quickly pulled his hands away, afraid that he had hurt me. I struggled to find the words to tell him that the sob was relief. Please, please, put your hands back.

As long as he held his hands there, the pain was held at bay, but it  returned when he pulled them away.  So we sat like that; his hands on my shins, my hands holding them there. Sometimes we talked, and sometimes we just sat there holding each other. These were the moments I could let my guard down.

Those hands. I am so grateful for my husband’s hands.

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Start with just one thing

Even in those worst moments, you can look around and find that one thing that is getting you through to the next moment. What is your touchstone right now? Find something, anything, that you can focus on, that you can appreciate. Is it the chair you’re sitting in? Your favorite pillow? The grain pattern running through your wood floor? A quiet moment? A distraction? A cup of coffee?

Now, really appreciate it.

Focus on it. 

Embrace it.

Allow yourself to lean on it.

Vulnerability isn’t easy

I felt so guilty about not having the strength to take care of my baby, unassisted. I’d just had a mastectomy and was going through chemotherapy, and later, radiation, yet I managed to heap guilt on myself for being an inadequate mother to my 1-year-old daughter.

It took me a while to see how blessed I was to have my mother and my friends there to help me care for my daughter. I could not bring myself to ask for help, but they showed up anyway. They sat with me and the baby, keeping us both company, just there to help with the heavy lifting, especially in those days when I was not even allowed to pick her up.

My baby was happy, and healthy, and well cared for, whether it was me lifting her out of the crib, or one of my helpers. I felt relief immediately, but it took a bit to fully embrace the feelings of gratitude. It took an attitude shift to appreciate the fact accepting that help was not a signal that I was failing as a mother, but just the opposite. I was doing what my child needed most for her own safety. With my helpers there, I was free to nap as needed and regain my strength, so I could stay awake to watch her another day.


I will forever be grateful to those amazing women who not only showed up without being asked, but gracefully and tactfully allowed me to work through my depression and feelings of guilt without taking it personally.

Sometimes gratitude requires an attitude shift

That change from thinking I am supposed to be super-mom, to acknowledging that I’m only human was difficult.

I had to redefine for myself what it meant to be a mom. I’ve always been a proponent of the idea that it takes a village to raise a child, and I had to accept my own hypocrisy, and then allow my village to participate in raising my child.

Ultimately, I also had a learn to have a little compassion for myself. By asking what I would want my daughter to do in this situation, the answer became easy. It was easier to be compassionate with myself, after experiencing a little compassion for my daughter in a hypothetically similar situation.

The process of shifting my attitude towards gratitude allowed me to have a little more compassion for myself and ultimately, it made me a better mother, because I was able to fully embrace putting my daughter’s well-being ahead of any feelings of guilt.


I am so thankful that I was challenged in that way, because I am a better mom now as a result, and I am much more likely to remember that I need to take care of my own needs in order to have the strength to take care my daughter’s needs. 

I also understand, even more as she gets older, that I don’t need to be, nor should I be, her everything.

Sometimes, gratitude is difficult because it means accepting that we have weaknesses.

Sometimes, gratitude is difficult simply because we lack the creativity, or the will, to think up a list.

It’s easier to hold on to what’s wrong, because there’s more energy in that. 

There are times, especially when I’m really enjoying wallowing in a good funk, that I don’t want to do the whole gratitude thing because I know it will mess up my funk, and I’m quite comfortable there.

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The power of repetition

This emotional morass we experience through life doesn’t always adhere to logic.

It does, however, respond to repetition.

Thought patterns become habitual.

Emotional patterns become habitual.

So, whether the habit is wallowing in a funk or in gratitude, that becomes the default. But, that default is pretty easy to change, in either direction.

Gratitude Journal

I’ve maintained a gratitude journal for a little while now. It’s nothing complicated, I just try to think of 5 specific and timely things for which I am grateful and write them down at the end of the day. It takes less than 5 minutes.

One day, a particularly bad day, I opened my journal with the intent of unloading everything that was wrong with the world. But while I was thinking through my plans of everything I was going to whine about, my hand, completely out of habit, wrote the word “Gratitude” at the top of the page. So, I decided to go ahead and do the gratitude list first, and whine later. By the time I finished the short list of five items, my mood had completely changed and I lost the desire to whine.

It’s not always that simple and easy and straightforward, but it usually is.

Over time, I have come to realize that gratitude is not just a means of cheering myself up, or engaging in the socially acceptable practice of being thankful.

Gratitude is a coping mechanism, and on those bad days, it’s one of the things that helps me get from one time span to the next.

when gratitude is difficult - thoughts for rainy days
How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010, one of the first things I did was head straight to the book store. I was looking for a book that would tell me how to juggle cancer and parenting my infant daughter. I didn’t find anything that provided helpful information or practical steps I could take to help ensure that my daughter still gets a vibrant childhood even when I have trouble getting out of bed.

As a writer, one recurring piece advice I keep hearing is write the book you want to read. While not a book, this blog series on cancer and parenting is a step in that direction.

If you found this site because you are in that unenviable position of having both cancer and young children, let me just say that the road ahead of you is difficult, but it is also full of love and joy. The thing I needed to hear most at this point in my journey was that my child can have a wonderful childhood and grow into a compassionate and strong adult despite my cancer. Your child can too.

This page is a work in progress; as each interview and story is posted, this page will be updated with the new post. I’ve got one post per week lined up for several months. Check back often to read more stories.

Share Your Story | CoffeeJitters.Net

Did you have cancer while raising your children? Did you have children, or adopt, after your cancer treatment?

Sharing your story can be cathartic, it can also help other parents who are newly diagnosed, and scared, and overwhelmed.

The survey is long, but it provides significant leeway to share your story the way you want it told.

Cancer and Parenting Young Children Survey

How to help kids cope with a parent’s cancer: interview with an oncology social worker

How to help kids cope with a parent’s cancer: interview with an oncology social worker

What’s going to happen to my baby?

The first thing I thought when I was diagnosed with breast cancer was what’s going to happen to my baby? I’m not alone in that thought, I’ve discussed the topic at length with my friends who are also juggling child rearing with cancer treatment.

And it does impact the kids, but there are ways to help our kids cope with a parent’s cancer.

Interview with a Social Worker

Michelle Massey runs the Camp Sparkle and Small Talk programs at Gilda’s Club in Seattle. [Updated to note that the former Gilda’s Club in Seattle is now operating independently- although maintaining the same mission – and goes by the name Cancer Pathways.] She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and a Board Certified Oncology Social Worker.  She got her start at Children’s Hospital working with kids with cancer, where she started to notice that the siblings needed some attention, too. Now her work focuses on the children of cancer patients.

We sat down at her kitchen table to discuss how kids are impacted by their parent’s cancer, and what we can do to help.  She was very clear in making the point that if a parent has cancer, the kids are affected. They might not show it. They might be perfect little angels because they don’t want to be a burden, but that doesn’t mean that they are not affected.

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Kids are by nature ego-centric.

There is nothing wrong with this, it is part of our developmental process, and hopefully, we grow out of that perspective. But it’s important to remember the eco-centric perspective when working with children who are dealing with their parent’s cancer. When they think the world revolves around them, then they naturally think they have an impact on everything that happens. That means when a parent gets cancer, they think it has something to do with them. It’s the same reason kids think it’s their fault if their parent’s get a divorce.

childs concern


The ego-centric perspective also means that the child’s biggest concern is “what is going to happen to me?” They are concerned about the well-being of their parent, but even more so, they want to know that whatever happens, someone is going to know that they like their peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles, and which songs to sing as they tuck them in at night. Fear of abandonment is a normal reaction to this situation.

It is important to understand that a child’s anxiety around a parent’s cancer is an appropriate reaction, and not a sign of mental illness. Counseling and group therapy sessions can help kids develop the tools they need to weather the ups and downs of their parent’s cancer treatment. Additionally, this is not likely to be the last challenge in the child’s life, so the tools learned in counseling will be of lifelong benefit.

Group activities that involve other kids whose parents have cancer is also beneficial in that it provides an environment where the kids can feel normal. They don’t have to feel weird because everyone has cancer in their home.

I asked Michelle what specific advice she would give to parents who have cancer, and these were her suggestions:

How to help kids cope when a parent has cancer

  • Make sure your kids have an outlet for their feelings, even the “ugly” feelings – a safe place where they can talk about what’s going through their head without being shut down. (Counseling and group therapy are great for this)
  • If you do get a counseling for your kids, trust and confidentiality are of the utmost importance. The child needs to be able to say those things they’re afraid might hurt their parent’s feelings.
  • Allow them to feel their emotions rather than brushing them away.
  • Don’t try to fix everything. You can’t fix their emotions.
  • Ask them specifically what they are afraid of, the fear may take on different nuances at different times, and that will change the conversation.

The Camp Sparkle and Small Talk programs mentioned above are at Gilda’s Club Seattle. There are Gilda’s Clubs around the country, and while the specific offerings at each location may vary, the programs are available to cancer patients and their family members at no charge.

Michelle also works with young women with breast cancer, formerly serving as a meeting facilitator for the Young Survival Coalition.

You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series here:

The Big C and Me:  My Cancer Story

The Big C and Me: My Cancer Story

My Cancer Story

My Cancer Story is a collection of my blog posts and articles about my cancer experience over the years. I decided to pull them all together into one place to make them easy to find.

This turned out to be a much bigger projected than I expected. I’ve cataloged more than thirty here so far, and there are many more to add.

my cancer story | CoffeeJitters | Judy Schwartz Haley

This is a work in progress. I will continue adding the posts already completed as well as the new posts to come, so check back from time to time. Tags are coming soon to allow for searching by topic.

It has been an eye opening exercise to go back through these posts and see how my attitude, perspective, writing style, and my life in general have all evolved over time.

My hope is that these pieces will provide someone with cancer some measure of hope, comfort, and useful information to help them along this difficult road. Even if you don’t have cancer, you just might find this story interesting.

My Life with Cancer

Living with Dying

Thoughts on friendship and cancer.

We hold on to each other, we revel in memories, and we pop a bottle of champagne to toast your memory while flipping cancer the bird. We embrace those who are still with us, and carry forward the memories of those who have gone before us.

How Comparing Pain Multiplies Suffering

No one should feel shame for experiencing pain. Pain is not a competition; it’s real and it’s valid.

Taking Back October

My friends are dying, and it’s not for lack of awareness.

Breast Cancer Awareness month can be a big money making machine, but make sure your donations actually make a difference

In the Moment

Contemplating a cancerversary (anniversary of cancer diagnosis) and embracing moments of pure joy.

The cancer experience changes over time.

 

Fierce

Fierce

FierceI think sometimes fierce gets a glamorous image. It’s easy to think of finish lines, mountain tops, and triumphs when we think of the word fierce – but fierce isn’t the finish, it’s how you got there. Fierce is the long, lonely runs in the rain, months, even years before the starting line.

Fierce is giving it your all, knowing there is no finish line. Do or die. For real.

Fierce is defiantly holding your baby after the mastectomy, against doctors orders.

Fierce is getting up in the middle of the night to change your infant’s diaper as your body reels from the chemo induced nausea and fatigue.

Fierce is getting up the next morning to go back for another excruciating treatment. Day after day after day.

Fierce is not passive; fierce doesn’t have time for pity parties.

Fierce fights back.

Fierce isn’t pretty, but it’s beautiful.

Fierce is making difficult choices.

Fierce is finding the courage to have a difficult conversation.

Fierce is embracing your integrity, even when it makes you feel unloved.

Fierce is knowing who you are, and being that person the best you can.

Fierce keeps learning.

Fierce understands that sometimes learning means un-learning what is no longer true, or even more painful, what you finally understand was never true.

Fierce is understanding that cancer is not a shortcut to courage, or wisdom, or strength. You still have to do the work to gain and keep those qualities.

You don’t have to have cancer to be fierce.

You don’t have to have cancer to practice courage, or wisdom, or strength.

You have a choice.

You can be fierce.

How are you fierce?

 

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This piece was written as part of the Clever Girls’ Collective Traveling Blue Wig Project. This project supports the Fierce Fund which will donate $20,000 this year to organizations that help girls and women. Check out their site and help select the Fierce Fund grant winner.

Judy Schwartz Haley is a mother, wife, student, writer, photographer, and breast cancer survivor. If you really want to see her get fierce, try to take her chocolate.

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