How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series: Stephanie’s Story

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series: Stephanie’s Story

Age at diagnosis: 38
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer Stage at Diagnosis: Stage 2
Treatment Plan: Surgery-bilateral mast w/expanders,
Chemo -6 cycles tac, Radiation, Delayed diep
Current Status: NED

stephanie

How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?

We used the local Gilda’s club

How did your kids respond?

It was a very positive experience

What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?

  • I kept their routine as normal as possible
  • Did not give them too much information
  • Let them asked questions if they wanted to know more
  • Kept very open lines of communication
  • Used a lot of professional help- Gilda’s club and local help from my hospital with this

Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

No

Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?

Yes

What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?

  • Don’t give your children too much info
  • Cancer is very scary for children.
  • Children process info VERY different than adults. Let them ask questions (if they have any) and follow their lead

What concerns or fears troubled you the most?

How did my diagnosis and treatment impact my children

How did you deal with those fears?

Time will tell

Have those fears and concerns changed over time?

Yes, As more time passes-I think about this less

What was your darkest moment?

Mental breakdown and depression 18 months after diagnosis

What was your best moment?

Every day (including today)

I love my life and my family and still think I am a very lucky person!!!
I am blessed

What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?

My husband put me first. Everything just fell into place: Whatever I needed – I got – whenever I needed it.

Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?

Yes- I have an amazing group of friends

You know the statement-it takes a village. I have a village.

Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?

Very difficult. It is very humbling. Especially when you are used to doing and not needing.

Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?

Yes, Not in a negative way. I fully understand how much my husband loves me. As I said- I am a very lucky person

Do you have any relationship advice for young moms dealing with cancer?

Be honest.

What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?

Just because you look ok on the outside- it doesn’t mean you are ok on the inside.
Cancer is not like strep. You are not better in 5 days. It can take awhile (even years) until you are ok.

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You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series here:

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How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Cambria Dodd Russell’s Story

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Cambria Dodd Russell’s Story

Age at diagnosis: 36Diagnosis Date: Sept 2010
Type of Cancer: Triple Negative Breast Cancer, locally advancedstage at diagnosis: Stage 3
Treatment Plan: Neo adjuvant chemo (Carboplatin, Taxol, Avastin, A/C),
bilateral mx, IMRT radiation
Current Status: NED

How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?

Stage by stage:
chemo: “I have cancer in my breast and need to take medicine to make the cancer go away. The medicine is called chemo.” “I’ll go to the doctor a lot and might get tired. You’ll still go to school everyday. We’ll have dinner together every night….”
surgery: “My doctor is going to take the cancer away in a surgery. When I come home, I’ll be sore and have boo-boos.” We practiced ways we could hug and snuggle that wouldn’t involve my chest – hand hugs, leg hugs, finger hugs.
radiation: “I have to go to radiation every day. Radiation is a lot like having an x-ray. Remember when you had an x-ray after….”

"We practiced ways we could hug and snuggle that wouldn't involve my chest - hand hugs, finger hugs, leg hugs."
Cambria Dodd Russell

How did your kids respond?

My kids were young enough that they didn’t associate cancer with death. They took it in stride and asked many questions along the way. We answered them all honestly. Sometimes they complained that I didn’t always go to swim class with them or other things that they were used to. Sometimes they worried about me, tried to take care of me by getting blankets or food for me. Mostly, they just went about their normal routines.

I think that surgery was the hardest for them. At diagnosis, I had just stopped nursing my 2 year old. He was still quite attached to my breasts. When I showed the kids my scars, he said “no more babies can drink from there anymore. I don’t like it!” They have gotten used to my flat chest and scars now. My oldest even asked why all the mannequins at Victoria’s Secret have breasts. “Not all ladies have breasts!”

What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?

honesty. I think my kids would have been more scared if they sensed things were different but didn’t know why. We also kept their daycare providers in the loop. We told them the exact language we were using to describe what was happening to me so they could use it too.

Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

In terms of the kids? No.

How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?

My kids still talk about it some. They play “cancer.” One kid pretends to have cancer while the other pretends to be a friend bringing over food. They take care of each other and say things like, “I’m sorry you have cancer. Would you like a leg hug?” Occasionally, something dramatic happens. My oldest recently had a nightmare about a witch plucking out all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. Clearly, it has had an impact. We just keep talking about it.

Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?

Yes. Long term, I worry about a recurrence, about dying, about leaving my husband with 2 boys to raise on his own. I hope though, that this was just another experience among many in their childhoods. It will, no doubt, impact them. I don’t want it to dominate them though.

What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?

Tell your kids, talk about it, don’t hide it. Secrecy causes more fear.

What concerns or fears troubled you the most?

that my biological son will get cancer

How did you deal with those fears? 

deep breaths, reality checks

Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision?

We were already fostering our oldest at diagnosis. We have since adopted him. The process was a little more difficult because of cancer.

What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?

regular spa visits, acupuncture, many dates with friends and hubby for movies or tea, parties

Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?

Yes. I practically demanded it. The day I was diagnosed I emailed about 100 people. I told them what was happening and that I would need them. My friends then set up committees and divided duties into categories: food, childcare, chemo buddies/medical appts, housekeeping. We used Lots of Helping Hands to keep everything organized. When I needed something, I just contacted the key person for the appropriate category and it materialized.

Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?

No. I knew that if I didn’t ask for help all of the burden would fall on my husband and mother.

Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?

YSC (Young Survival Coalition)

Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?

Yes. I think we are even tighter than before although I didn’t think that was possible.

You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series here:

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Angela Bass’ Story

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Angela Bass’ Story

Age at diagnosis:
31
Diagnosis Date:
Aug 2011
Type of Cancer: 
Breast cancer – Stage 2B/3A Invasive Ductal Carcinoma
with lymph node involvement, Her2 positive, highly aggressive
stage at diagnosis: 
Stage 2b
Treatment Plan:
adjuvant chemotherapy, double mastectomy, expanders,
followed by gated radiation & an additional 6 months
of Herceptin infusions
Current Status: 
NED, baby!!

Angela Bass
How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
I told my 3,3 and 4 year olds that Mommy was going to be sick for the Fall and will feel better in the Spring. We explained that Grandma was going to stay with us for awhile so she could play with them while I was at doctor appointments.

How did your kids respond?
They responded REALLY well. We made the head-shaving day into a party. We took tons of pictures and my kids helped pick pictures for my cancer blog.

What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
I told them what I knew. I didn’t overload them with information. I faked it.
After the first treatment, I knew I would not be very active about 2-3 days after treatment. I would tell them that I was going to chemo and that I would be ready to play with them in 2 days. Until then, my husband and my mom kept them busy at the park or on day trips. They didn’t really ever see me sick.

Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
Nope.

How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?
Right now, they are obsessed with cancer ribbons and people with cancer. They are caring. They are blissfully unaware that I may have a recurrence one day. I think they think everyone goes through this at one point in their lives.

Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
I’m afraid I will die of cancer and my children will lose their mother.

What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Be honest, but keep details to a minimum. Don’t talk about dying.
Keep the kids out of the Oncologist’s office, chemo room, etc. They don’t need to see or remember that.
Spend as much time cuddling your kids as possible even though you may not feel like it.
They are feeding off you. They sense your fear and they need to know that you’re still there.

What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
repeat scans, aches and pains

How did you deal with those fears?
honesty, anti-anxiety meds, blogging

Have those fears and concerns changed over time?
I don’t worry as much. I reach out to God when I start to worry.
I appreciate every day.

What was your best moment?
Finding out they got all the bad cells out during my mastectomy.

What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
I didn’t really do anything. I wasn’t in the mood for much, other than a little shopping here and there.

Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?
Yes! My neighbors set up a meal train, Pink Daisy helped me a ton and my mom stayed with us to help me with the kids so my husband could still work.

Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
I was horrible about asking for help. I have no idea how to do it gracefully.

Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
just google, I googled EVERYTHING

Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?
It made our marriage stronger; he’s my biggest cheerleader.

Do you have any relationship advice for young moms dealing with cancer?
Be patient. Your family isn’t psychic and they have no idea what you are going through mentally and physically. When you feel like exploding, take a deep breath. They’re trying….and this is probably harder on them than it is on you.

What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?
No one understands the constant fears that are always in the back of your mind. Every ache, cough, pain may be a sign that the beast is back.
Just because you have completed treatment, it’s never really over.

Were there any cancer-related activities or events in which you participated that you think were especially helpful to you or members of your family?
The Susan G Komen walk in Minneapolis was amazing! The amount of survivors and supporters was such an inspiration. I will go yearly!

Are there any resources that you recommend?
my blog!
I talk to tons of people who are undergoing cancer treatments. I have had almost 150,000 page views in a little over a year.
It’s amazing how many people reach out to the internet to find answers and someone to relate to.
I blogged from the day I was diagnosed and posted pics throughout the entire process.

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You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series here:

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How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Kathy Stokes’ Story

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Kathy Stokes’ Story

Age at diagnosis: 46 Diagnosis Date: Sept 2012
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer – poorly differentiated invasive ductile
carcinoma. stage I category III
Stage at Diagnosis: Stage 1
Treatment Plan: Bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, Chemo 20
weeks followed by 42 add’l weeks with herceptin every 3 weeks

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Kathy Stokes' Story

 

How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?

Explained that we have millions of cells in our bodies and that sometimes some of them go bad. When they stick together they create a tumor. That tumor is cancer. Docs don’t know how we get cancer but they know how to get rid of it. Told them it’s no one’s fault and that it wasn’t contagious. Asked them what questions they had, and we’ve been talking regularly (not scheduled).

How did your kids respond?

11 year old twins. Son had several spot on questions (How do you know it’s even there?) and my daughter shut down. Couldn’t stop crying but wouldn’t talk. I told her that when she wanted to ask anything that I’d answer as best as I could. I told her I loved her. By the end of the day she was her normal self.

What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?

I’m divorced but asked my ex to be there to tell the kids. That was a big support mechanism in the sense of “we’re fighting this as a family.” Humor works really well with my kids. It opens them up. Eg, at dinner, daughter asks, “Dad, can I have another chicken breast?” shortly after my surgery. Then she turned to me and said, “Sorry, mom.” And I said, “That’s ok. I’ll have two!” Laughter all around.

Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?

I do. This is a lot for them to withstand, but if I make it through, which I fully intend, they will have matured in a hard but positive way.

What advice would you give to other parents who are diagnosed with cancer?

Be as straight as you can to you kids in the conversation. Tell them what you know them capable of handling. Line up support and tell them you all have backup whenever you need it. Make sure their lives go on as normally as possible through treatment. Don’t let them skip ballet or a music lesson. And tell them as much as they can stand to hear it that you love them.

What concerns or fears troubled you the most?

How my kids would react. And chemo without a partner to help me, and the need to protect my kids from the hard stuff.

How did you deal with those fears?

I continue to see a therapist weekly. Hugely helpful.

Have those fears and concerns changed over time?

Still working on it

What was your darkest moment?

Haven’t had it yet. If I did, it must not have been that bad.

Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?

On how to talk to kids: http://www.tellingkidsaboutcancer.com/

I joined a private FB community, but honestly, it was too depressing and everyone was so angry. So not a ton of help.

Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?

Ex-spouse. Nope, it’s as dysfunctional as it’s always been

Are there any resources that you recommend?

Look Good Feel Better

What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?

My kids are 11 so the biggest thing was lining up help from friends to drive them when needed, have them over after school, etc.

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You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series here:

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How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Becky E’s Story

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Becky E’s Story

Age at diagnosis: 34 Diagnosis Date: 2010
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer – DCIS with microinvasion Stage at Diagnosis: Stage 1
Treatment Plan: Bilateral mastectomy Current Status: cancer-free (I pray)!

How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting: Becky E's Story

How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?

Shared very limited details but just told them that mommy would have a surgery to get rid of some disease growing inside my body. My baby was only 3 months old.

How did your kids respond?

They didn’t seem to care but were VERY good at giving gentle hugs after surgery.

What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?

Lots of outside support.

Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?

Nope

How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?

they don’t really know much still.

Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?

Yes. I’m most concerned for my daughter and how she’ll associate her own body when looking at mine. She’ll understand when she’s older

What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?

Take time, breathe, and find ways to smile and laugh.

What concerns or fears troubled you the most?

recurrence

How did you deal with those fears?

Deal every day. It’s a very scary world.

Have those fears and concerns changed over time?

No

What was your darkest moment?

No super dark moments per se.

What was your best moment?

Post surgery to find out that no nodes were involved.

Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision?

No more children were planned but had nothing to do with cancer. We wanted 3 and we have them. I’m grateful.

What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?

I’m not sure I have.

Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?

Yes. A lot. I am surrounded by amazing people.

Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?

People will offer. When they do, say yes. And be sure to pay it forward.

Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?

YSC! While I’m not very active in the group, reading the site and the FB page is a huge, huge help.

Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?

Not in a huge way.

Do you have any relationship advice for young moms dealing with cancer?

Laugh. Remember to connect with each other. Laugh some more.

What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?

Recurrence is a real fear and something that comes up a lot. Help to keep me smiling and laughing and I’ll do the same for you!

Were there any cancer-related activities or events in which you participated that you think were especially helpful to you or members of your family?

No.. not really. I do Race for the Cure each year. It’s taken on a new meaning.

Are there any resources that you recommend?

For young women – YSC.

What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?

I had lots of help and would have people help put my daughter close to me to snuggle.

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You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series here:

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