How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
Stage by stage: chemo: “I have cancer in my breast and need to take medicine to make the cancer go away. The medicine is called chemo.” “I’ll go to the doctor a lot and might get tired. You’ll still go to school everyday. We’ll have dinner together every night….” surgery: “My doctor is going to take the cancer away in a surgery. When I come home, I’ll be sore and have boo-boos.” We practiced ways we could hug and snuggle that wouldn’t involve my chest – hand hugs, leg hugs, finger hugs. radiation: “I have to go to radiation every day. Radiation is a lot like having an x-ray. Remember when you had an x-ray after….”
How did your kids respond?
My kids were young enough that they didn’t associate cancer with death. They took it in stride and asked many questions along the way. We answered them all honestly. Sometimes they complained that I didn’t always go to swim class with them or other things that they were used to. Sometimes they worried about me, tried to take care of me by getting blankets or food for me. Mostly, they just went about their normal routines.
I think that surgery was the hardest for them. At diagnosis, I had just stopped nursing my 2 year old. He was still quite attached to my breasts. When I showed the kids my scars, he said “no more babies can drink from there anymore. I don’t like it!” They have gotten used to my flat chest and scars now. My oldest even asked why all the mannequins at Victoria’s Secret have breasts. “Not all ladies have breasts!”
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
honesty. I think my kids would have been more scared if they sensed things were different but didn’t know why. We also kept their daycare providers in the loop. We told them the exact language we were using to describe what was happening to me so they could use it too.
Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
In terms of the kids? No.
How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?
My kids still talk about it some. They play “cancer.” One kid pretends to have cancer while the other pretends to be a friend bringing over food. They take care of each other and say things like, “I’m sorry you have cancer. Would you like a leg hug?” Occasionally, something dramatic happens. My oldest recently had a nightmare about a witch plucking out all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. Clearly, it has had an impact. We just keep talking about it.
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
Yes. Long term, I worry about a recurrence, about dying, about leaving my husband with 2 boys to raise on his own. I hope though, that this was just another experience among many in their childhoods. It will, no doubt, impact them. I don’t want it to dominate them though.
What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Tell your kids, talk about it, don’t hide it. Secrecy causes more fear.
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
that my biological son will get cancer
How did you deal with those fears?
deep breaths, reality checks
Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision?
We were already fostering our oldest at diagnosis. We have since adopted him. The process was a little more difficult because of cancer.
What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
regular spa visits, acupuncture, many dates with friends and hubby for movies or tea, parties
Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?
Yes. I practically demanded it. The day I was diagnosed I emailed about 100 people. I told them what was happening and that I would need them. My friends then set up committees and divided duties into categories: food, childcare, chemo buddies/medical appts, housekeeping. We used Lots of Helping Hands to keep everything organized. When I needed something, I just contacted the key person for the appropriate category and it materialized.
Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
No. I knew that if I didn’t ask for help all of the burden would fall on my husband and mother.
Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer – Stage IIIC triple negative breast cancer
Stage at Diagnosis: Stage IIIC
Treatment Plan: double mastectomy, 16 rounds of chemo 1 year of avastin
and 25 radiation treatments.
Current Status: Currently NED
How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
We talked about the surgery to remove the sick breasts we talked about the medications and how they would cause. me to lose my hair and make me tired and not feel good. We had several books.
How did your kids respond?
Both girls were 3 years old and they did well we had a lot of support.
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
accept help when offered and ask for help when you need it,
Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
I wish I had been well enough to work through treatment; the financial struggles were awful and still are. I should have asked for help sooner. People want to help and need to know what they can do.
How did the impact of cancer change as time passed, and your children grew? Did it change?
I think some of the effects are just starting to show. The girls worry more than they should have to. They do not really remember how sick I was. Just that I was bald.
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
I worry that as they get older the realities of cancer and the risk of losing ones life will worry them. They were to young to understand that cancer could kill.
What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Be as honest as you can with your children. They will know something is wrong. If you talk to them they will be less fearful. I think the unknown is more frightening than the truth.
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
The fear of not being here to raise my little girls. I was blessed by adoption and I was terrified I would not be alive to see my babies go to kindergarten. They are now 1st and 2 graders.
How did you deal with those fears?
I strengthened my faith and did everything in my power to get healthy.
Have those fears and concerns changed over time?
I still worry that the cancer will come back. I just take it one day at a time.
What was your darkest moment?
getting the pathology back after my mastectomy.
What was your best moment?
the last day of active treatment
Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision?
I would love another child
What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
I rested when I needed to and spent time with family and friends
Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?
yes. I was lucky
Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
It was difficult and still is. But I have found that many want to help and do not know how to offer. They are often grateful to be able to do something for you.
Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
Young Survival Coalition
Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?
Yes very negatively. In the long run we will be getting a divorce
What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?
That cancer does not end when treatment ends; it forever changes you.
Were there any cancer-related activities or events in which you participated that you think were especially helpful to you or members of your family
What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?
I was lucky my parents live close (5 minutes) so they kept my girls the night before treatment and the night after. They also kept them for the 4-6 week stretch after my mastectomy so I would not lift them. I was close enough to see them anytime and was able to let my body heal.
The complexities of raising strong, happy, well-adjusted children while going through cancer treatment is a bit mind-boggling, but it can be done. I remember meeting the amazing kids of some of my fellow cancer survivors, and breathing a huge sigh of relief. Once I could see that my cancer did not have to ruin my daughter’s childhood, I was able to relax a bit.
While I was in school, I started a project of surveying parents with cancer, the ups and downs, and what worked for us, with the goal of publishing the results to help others who are juggling these monumental responsibilities. This is the first interview of that series. This is Linneas’s story.
Age at diagnosis: 33
Diagnosis Date: 9/6/2002
Type of Cancer: Breast cancer – DCIS Stage I “with micro invasions”
Stage at Diagnosis: Stage 1
Treatment Plan: Bilateral Modified Radical Mastectomy with Sentinal Node
Biopsy (13 nodes taken- left side); six months Methotrexate and 5FU chemo;
Complete reconstruction with implants; 5 years Tamoxifen; 1 year Arimedex;
Ovaries removed
Current Status: NED
How did you tell your kids about the cancer diagnosis?
I explained to Gunnar that I had mutant genes attacking my boobies and to fight back I was going to have to have surgery. He was assured that I had the best doctors and an awesome team on my side.
How did your kids respond?
He asked what kind of powers I was going to get. We are huge sci-fi and comic book fans and…well… everyone knows the Xmen got their powers because they are mutants.
After seeing my mastectomy without the bandages he stated, “you should tell people you did that skateboarding.”
What are some things you did that worked really well for your family with regards to dealing with the cancer, and treatment, while raising children?
I was honest with him. I showed him my bandages, my scars and did not pretend that nothing was wrong. I empowered him by making him my “helper guy.” He’d help get my Kleenex box, glass of water- small things that let him help me get better. We shared this experience and the triumph.
Is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
No – I feel like he deserved the truth. He was put into foster care when he was thirteen months old- and was in five home until he was three and a half. When his birth parents decided they didn’t want to raise him after all, my husband and I made him a part of our family. Too many people lied to him, deserted him and gave up on him. I felt explaining a little bit at a time to him and having a part of my healing helped both of us. I told him I was doing everything I could to make sure I would be able to see him graduate, become a fire fighter and dance at his wedding.
How did the impact of cancer change as time passed and your children grew? Did it change?
Gunnar is a huge breast cancer advocate. In second grade he found his teachers mammogram lab referral on the ground (the one with the outline drawings of breasts). He handed it too her and said “this looks important because it has your boobs on it. Are going to be a survivor like my mom?”
The entire household had to get used to my new normal. I can’t lift or carry heavy things like I used to and I tend to tire easily. But life goes on. My son attends every pink relay, race and rally he can telling everyone to “play with your boobs- it might save your life- it saved my moms.” We recently lost our dog to bone cancer. This has now spurred him to advocate canine cancer as well.
Do you have concerns about the long term impact of your cancer on your children?
I think he is worried I may have a re-occurrence and “go away” like so many others did in his early life.
What advice would you give to other moms who are diagnosed with cancer?
Tell the teachers what’s going on. Behaviors at school escalated because he didn’t want to act up at home and upset me. Art therapy is awesome- it lets the kids express themselves and work out things that are confusing to them.
What concerns or fears troubled you the most?
That I would die and not get to show him the world, cool things to do and see, talk to him about life, see him become a firefighter or dance at his wedding. I felt like I was living on borrowed time.
How did you deal with those fears?
We live each day to the fullest. Family vacations, various art projects, parties… we do it all. I helped him get through the state paperwork to work at the fire station down the road from our home. We DO things together.
Have those fears and concerns changed over time?
I’m not afraid of dying as much as I was before.
What was your darkest moment?
Deciding to have my breasts removed.
What was your best moment?
Having my oncologist say that I have a very little chance of re-occurrence since I went so radical with my surgical and chemical decisions, and I have been NED for ten years.
Did you decide to add more children to your family after your diagnosis? How did cancer figure into your decision?
When we adopted Gunnar it was decided “there could be only one.” He needed all our attention because he didn’t have any in the first three years of his life.
Adopted children grow in your heart and not your belly. I would take a bullet for that boy. He is my son and it does not matter that I didn’t “make” him.
What did you do to take care of you? How did you splurge on yourself?
Massage, pedi/mani, vacations.
Were you able to get help from friends and family members while you were going through treatment?
I was fortunate enough to have an awesome support group of friends and family. My husband and son were my anchors and kept me grounded and feeling secure.
Was it difficult to ask for help? Do you have any suggestions around the topic of asking for help?
I hated asking for help. I still feel weird asking for help with my groceries since I don’t look sick now- “what’s her problem- why can’t she lift her groceries in the car?!”
Accept your limitations and find your strengths. I will never be able to lift 10 pounds…. but I am a whiz on the sewing machine. Offer to help people with things that you can do so when it comes time for you to ask for help- they are more willing to jump in and help. Yes I will help you organize that surprise party for your wife…. but in the Spring I will need help digging up the garden area.
Did you have an online resource that helped you through this experience?
Did cancer/treatment impact your relationship with your spouse/partner?
My sex drive is gone. It takes a whole lot of time and wine to get in the mood. Thankfully my husband is understanding and very very patient.
Do you have any relationship advice for young moms dealing with cancer?
Talk, talk, talk…. tell your spouse how you feel and what is going on.
What is something you wish your friends and family members understood about your cancer and its impact on your life? What would you tell the friends and family members of other mom’s diagnosed with cancer? What would you want them to know about what she’s about to go through, and how best they can support her?
It doesn’t just go away after five years. The fear, the limitations and the reconstructed boobs that are not as perfect as the original parts are all part of our new normal.
Sometimes when we have a friend going through something gnarly like battling cancer we feel helpless. Prayers and happy thoughts are nice, but believe me, when I was going through chemo I wanted nothing more than someone to come over and help me clean house, make a casserole, take me out for smoothies, give me a massage or just paint my toe nails. She doesn’t need flowers- offer to clean her bathroom or drive her to the pharmacy- now is the time for her to call in all those favors when folks said “hey if you ever need me, let me know”
Were there any cancer-related activities or events in which you participated that you think were especially helpful to you or members of your family?
What are some solutions you found to practical problems of combining cancer treatment with raising young children?
The little mister had a tendency of pulling on my arm when he was holding my hand while shopping etc. and this just sent shooting pains across my mastectomy chest. Instead of holding my hand I had him hold onto my belt loops.
I made him a cape to wear as my helper guy. All big boys who are good helper guys wear capes. Big boys can also get into their own car seats (“betcha’ can’t get up there all by yourself…wow…look at that… you did it…what a super big guy you are”) “Wow you can carry that gallon of milk to the house all the way from the car?”
I made him a “brave blanket” to sleep with “just in case” he ever got scared. It acts as a cloak of invisibility- scary things can’t get you if you are under it. I told him it’s ok to be scared but that we were going to be ok.
Any additional advice or comments about dealing with cancer while raising children?
If you were a mom before you were diagnosed, you will be a mom after. Cancer cannot take that away from you.
If you aren’t a mom yet, don’t let cancer take that dream. From freezing eggs and IVF to surrogacy and adoption, if there is a will there is a way.
CoffeeJitters is an affiliate to a number of sites and services. I do not endorse products I don't love. I may receive compensation if you purchase items from links on this website.
