How Comparing Pain Multiplies Suffering

How Comparing Pain Multiplies Suffering

She wanted to talk to me about cancer, but she hesitated. She was worried because she thought her cancer wasn’t as bad as mine. When I finally realized the reason for the hesitation, for the trepidation in her voice, my heart dropped.

She had just apologized because she thought her cancer wasn’t bad enough. No one should ever have to do that.

It hurts to think I might have given that impression, but I know it’s not just me. This issue of comparison is part of our culture. We compare cars, houses, job titles, the behavior of our kids, and even our pain.

Comparing pain is insidious

We are measured against others throughout our lives (what is a Bell curve, anyway?), but at the same time we are cautioned against comparing wealth and power, and warned against envy and conceit. But when it comes to comparing pain, it’s actively endorsed. ‘Don’t feel bad, there are children in [insert third world nation that it is currently en vogue to pity] who have it so much worse than you.’ Comparing pain is deeply ingrained in our culture.

Don’t feel bad, we say.

Here’s another way to look at that: In the act of trying to console someone that way, we’re actually invalidating their pain. We’re attaching shame to the pain, and yes, that makes everything worse. No one should feel shame for experiencing pain. I don’t care if they just stubbed their toe, that shit hurts and comparing it to a brain tumor doesn’t make it hurt less.

Pity is not compassion

Also, a point about pity. Pity is condescending and dehumanizing, whether it is directed at someone on the other side of the world, or your next door neighbor. It others, creating or deepening the “us and them” perspective, and moving us further away from compassion and connection.

A few years ago, Brené Brown said that “Comparative suffering corrodes compassion and connection. It makes us judgmental and critical. Belittling our own suffering doesn’t elevate the suffering of others. It throws us into a ‘race for the bottom.’ It disconnects us from the truth that we are all inextricably connected – we all have strength and we all have struggle. We all need and we all give.

I’ve seen the truth of that.

Your pain is valid

Whatever it is, your pain is valid. It is worthy of your attention. It is worthy of acknowledgement. It doesn’t matter if someone else has a different pain, or something some might consider to be  a worse pain. You have pain. Deluding yourself, or trying to make excuses or rationalizing why you shouldn’t be experiencing pain won’t make it go away.

I heard a quote some years ago that has stuck with me over time. I have no idea who said it, and since I can’t remember the exact wording, I’m having trouble hunting down the source, but here it is in essence: telling yourself your pain is invalid because someone had it worse than you is the same thing as telling yourself your joy is invalid because someone had it better than you.

Avoiding toxic positivity

There is a cult of positivity in our culture as well – Suck it up. Paste on a smile. Hang in there. Fake it till you make it – And there are times and places for this approach. But positivity that is dismissive and forces delusion is toxic. We all need a place, a person, something somewhere that will allow us to let down our guard and get real.

Glennon Doyle once wrote, “You know, what strikes me is how desperately we all need to know that we are seen and heard. We don’t need our lives to be different, or easier, we just need someone to see the pain. To know what we’ve faced and overcome.  To say: Yes. I see this. This is real. We don’t need a magician to take it all away – we just need a witness.”

When someone opens their heart, chances are they don’t need someone to come rushing in to fix everything, they don’t need delusions, they need a compassionate ear, they need a chance to release their story.

Some things have to be released before we can be free of them, or at least get up and move forward. Sometimes we have to acknowledge we have a problem before we can get help. Sometimes we just need permission to feel our own pain without shame.

A Fresh Start for the New Year: Are You Ready to Turn the Page on 2020?

A Fresh Start for the New Year: Are You Ready to Turn the Page on 2020?

I am so ready for the new year. I spent much of 2020 hidden away. Like many of you, my days and weeks and months were consumed with coping. At the end of each year, we often slide into the tail end of December a bit worn out, but 2020 took this to a whole new level. This year challenged us, all of us, in ways we weren’t prepared for. It’s become cliche to say this was a hard year, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

But the year is almost over. It’s time for a new year. A new page. We will still have the same problems once the bell tolls us into 2021, but we can stop, take a breath, hit reset, and then tackle the new year with a plan. Let’s take a moment to reevaluate, to consider what’s working, what’s not, and look at our challenges with new eyes to find new solutions.

Journals are a tool

My friends know that journaling is important to me. They know that it’s an important part of how I cope and how I process what’s happening in my life. What they may not know, is that I drop the habit of journaling from time to time, too. I don’t journal every day, and I don’t believe everyone needs to.

Your journal is not an obligation; it's a tool. Use it when you need it.

RESET: A Fresh Start for a New Year

People often think that journaling is not for them because they don’t do it every day or they keep forgetting about it, but I have a secret for you. Your journal is not an obligation; it’s a tool. Use it when you need it. If you turn journaling into a chore, it loses its magic. Journaling does not need to be an everyday endeavor to be a robust tool for you.

Taking pen to paper is a powerful way to figure things out. Like a math problem that gets too complex to figure in your head, our lives are complex, and taking the problem to paper can make it easier to see solutions. Writing it down also helps us track changes and measure progress. If you really want to change something in your life, write it down. If you know something in your life needs to change, but you don’t know what, or how, write that down, too. And then keep writing. Ask your self questions, and then after you write all the bullshit answers, keep writing. That’s where you find the good stuff, after you get the bullshit out of the way.

If you really want to change something in your life, write it down.

Reset: A Fresh Start for a New Year

Sometimes, having a guide can help: a workbook or class with questions and writing prompts and encouragement to help you figure out what you want, how you’re going to make it better, and how you’re going to manage each step.

Reset: A Fresh Start for a New Year Journaling and Planning Workshop

I’ve been teaching these classes for years, but this year I decided to present them online. I’m starting with a free, 4-day workshop to help you plan the year ahead. What coping skills did you need last year? How did they work? How can you improve them? What new tactics can you employ this year to help make it better? How will you find the flexibility to bend with circumstances and still do what you need to do? And most importantly, what do you really want? You don’t need to know the answers to get started, we’ll find them along the way.

During the Workshop, we will gather in a Facebook Group for a live session each day, with workbooks and challenges, and plenty of encouragement. The workshop will run from December 28 through December 31, 2020, with a Facebook Live session each morning at 11am Pacific Time. In addition, I will record my presentations in case the scheduled time doesn’t work for you.

Join Us

Click the button below to join our workshop. Let’s plan our way to a better 2021.

RESET: A Fresh Start for a New Year free 4-day journaling and planning workshop.
Quote Prompt:  “As a writer you should not judge.”

Quote Prompt: “As a writer you should not judge.”

I love using quotes as writing prompts. Whether it’s for journal writing, or getting the juices flowing for an essay or other writing, a good quote can give my brain a jumpstart and take me places I didn’t expect to go. One of the great joys of writing for me is to wander off into unplanned territory. Sometimes pulling up a random quote can be just the kick I need to get me moving in a different direction.

As a writer, you should not judge. You should understand.

Ernest Hemingway

What thoughts come to mind when you read this quote? What do you think Hemingway meant? Do you agree with him?

Spend some time pondering this quote and start writing. If you’re journaling, keep writing long after you think you’ve said everything you have to say. That’s where the interesting bits start to show up on the page.

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