How to help kids cope with a parent’s cancer: interview with an oncology social worker

How to help kids cope with a parent’s cancer: interview with an oncology social worker

What’s going to happen to my baby?

The first thing I thought when I was diagnosed with breast cancer was what’s going to happen to my baby? I’m not alone in that thought, I’ve discussed the topic at length with my friends who are also juggling child rearing with cancer treatment.

And it does impact the kids, but there are ways to help our kids cope with a parent’s cancer.

Interview with a Social Worker

Michelle Massey runs the Camp Sparkle and Small Talk programs at Gilda’s Club in Seattle. [Updated to note that the former Gilda’s Club in Seattle is now operating independently- although maintaining the same mission – and goes by the name Cancer Pathways.] She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and a Board Certified Oncology Social Worker.  She got her start at Children’s Hospital working with kids with cancer, where she started to notice that the siblings needed some attention, too. Now her work focuses on the children of cancer patients.

We sat down at her kitchen table to discuss how kids are impacted by their parent’s cancer, and what we can do to help.  She was very clear in making the point that if a parent has cancer, the kids are affected. They might not show it. They might be perfect little angels because they don’t want to be a burden, but that doesn’t mean that they are not affected.

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Kids are by nature ego-centric.

There is nothing wrong with this, it is part of our developmental process, and hopefully, we grow out of that perspective. But it’s important to remember the eco-centric perspective when working with children who are dealing with their parent’s cancer. When they think the world revolves around them, then they naturally think they have an impact on everything that happens. That means when a parent gets cancer, they think it has something to do with them. It’s the same reason kids think it’s their fault if their parent’s get a divorce.

childs concern


The ego-centric perspective also means that the child’s biggest concern is “what is going to happen to me?” They are concerned about the well-being of their parent, but even more so, they want to know that whatever happens, someone is going to know that they like their peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles, and which songs to sing as they tuck them in at night. Fear of abandonment is a normal reaction to this situation.

It is important to understand that a child’s anxiety around a parent’s cancer is an appropriate reaction, and not a sign of mental illness. Counseling and group therapy sessions can help kids develop the tools they need to weather the ups and downs of their parent’s cancer treatment. Additionally, this is not likely to be the last challenge in the child’s life, so the tools learned in counseling will be of lifelong benefit.

Group activities that involve other kids whose parents have cancer is also beneficial in that it provides an environment where the kids can feel normal. They don’t have to feel weird because everyone has cancer in their home.

I asked Michelle what specific advice she would give to parents who have cancer, and these were her suggestions:

How to help kids cope when a parent has cancer

  • Make sure your kids have an outlet for their feelings, even the “ugly” feelings – a safe place where they can talk about what’s going through their head without being shut down. (Counseling and group therapy are great for this)
  • If you do get a counseling for your kids, trust and confidentiality are of the utmost importance. The child needs to be able to say those things they’re afraid might hurt their parent’s feelings.
  • Allow them to feel their emotions rather than brushing them away.
  • Don’t try to fix everything. You can’t fix their emotions.
  • Ask them specifically what they are afraid of, the fear may take on different nuances at different times, and that will change the conversation.

The Camp Sparkle and Small Talk programs mentioned above are at Gilda’s Club Seattle. There are Gilda’s Clubs around the country, and while the specific offerings at each location may vary, the programs are available to cancer patients and their family members at no charge.

Michelle also works with young women with breast cancer, formerly serving as a meeting facilitator for the Young Survival Coalition.

You can find more on the How to Juggle Cancer and Parenting Series here:

Lee Museum of Warped Art and Hysterical Do-Dads: family wedding photos and do-dads

Lee Museum of Warped Art and Hysterical Do-Dads: family wedding photos and do-dads

I am in possession of most of the old photographs and do-dads from our family history, and on occasion, I rummage through those items and take a stab at getting some of them scanned so we have a digital record that can be shared around the country. Most of the pictures I rummage through are multiple copies of old school photos, but every once in a while, I find something interesting.

Lee Museum of warped arts and hysterical do-dad

The pen doesn’t work, it’s 44 years old. Apparently, this is the pen that the best man presented to my dad, the groom, “for use in signing his life away.”  This cracks me up. I wonder if he had any idea that decades later we would still be in possession of this pen and the card to which it was taped.

The card says:

Compliments of the Lee Museum of Warped Art and Hysterical Do-Dads.

Left on ancient dining able, believed o be the “Official Pen” use in ancient wedding ceremony. Given traditionally (for the first time) to the Groom fo use in signing way his life by the Honorable Best Man. Hmph!

And here’s the best man, Pete Lee, with my Dad. Dad is on the right.

Pete Lee and Michael H. Schwartz

This is one of my favorite photos from my parents wedding – Dad looking at his ring. I wonder what he was thinking.

Karen Lu Schwartz and Michael H. Schwartz

Aren’t they cute?Karen Lu Schwartz and Michael H. Schwartz

Giveaway: Back-to-School Palooza

Giveaway: Back-to-School Palooza

Welcome to the

Back-to-School Giveaway Palooza

Sponsored by: Failing Perfect, Dibsies Personalization Station, Zazzle, Fundanoodle, and Educational Insights

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Hosted & Organized by: Failing Perfect

Co-hosted by: Here We Go Again, Ready?, Intelligent Domestications, Heartbeats ~ Soul Stains, Spaceships and Laser Beams, Peace and Chaos, and The More The Merrier

I can’t believe it’s that time of year again! It’s time to get those kids ready to go back to school. It seems like just yesterday when we were looking forward to the start of summer. Because we love our readers – and their kids – we want to help you get ready for back-to-school by helping one lucky reader get the year started with a bang. That is why we teamed up with our blogger friends and a few generous sponsors to bring you the chance to win this fantastic giveaway!

One winner is going to receive a prize package worth over $430! This giveaway includes something for everyone in the family from preschoolers through college students.

Here is what is included:

  • Kindle Fire HD 7″ Tablet, Wifi, 16 GB  & $100 Target Gift Card from Failing Perfect (Retail Value: $269.00)
  • Personalized Lunch Box & Personalized Backpack from Dibsies Personalization Station (Retail Value: $78.00)
  • $50 Zazzle Gift Code from Zazzle
  • Hot Dots Laugh It Up! Math Vocabulary Cards for grades 1-3, Hot Dots Reading Informational Text for grades 4-6, Hot Dots Pen, & GeoSafari Jr. My First Microscope for ages 3+ from Educational Insights(Retail Value: $79.95)
  • The winner’s choice of one activity kit:  I Can Bead, Lace, Rip, Trace!, I Can Pound!, I Can Build Uppercase! or I Can Build Lowercase! from Fundanoodle (Retail Value: $32.99)

Back-to-School Palooza Giveaway: The Details

  • Giveaway will begin on August 18th, 2014 and will end at 11:59 PM, Mountain Time (US) on September 2nd, 2014.
  • Open to residents in the continental US, 18 years or older.
  • One entrant per household.
  • Void where prohibited by law.
  • No purchase necessary to enter or win.
  • Winner will have 24 Hours to respond to winner notification email, or prize will be forfeited and another winner will be chosen.
  • Winner will be chosen via random.org.
  • The winning entry will be verified.
  • Sponsors will be individually responsible for prize fulfillment.

If you agree to the above terms, then enter using the Giveaway Form below. Good Luck!!

Back-to-School Giveaway Palooza

Good Luck!

Disclosure:  This blog did not receive compensation and is not responsible for prize fulfillment. This post may contain affiliate links. By participating in the Sweepstakes, each entrant unconditionally accepts and agrees to comply with and abide by these rules and the decisions of Failing Perfect (“Sponsor”), which shall be final and binding in all respects. Failing Perfect is responsible for the collection, submission or processing of Entries and the overall administration of the giveaway. This promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, andor any other social media. Please contact michelle@failingperfect.com with any questions, comments or problems related to the Sweepstakes.
If you would like your product or service featured on a similar giveaway, contact michelle@failingperfect.com for more information.
Beauty is imperfection

Beauty is imperfection

The dress is on backwards, her (my) shoes are on the wrong feet, she’s holding her camera backwards, her hair is a mess, and there’s a dog pinned under the door. Also, the lighting is off, and it’s not well focused or composed. There is not a thing I would change about this picture. This snapshot tells a story about our life. It’s messy, and lively, and it’s spontaneous. It’s beautiful, and those little imperfections are part of what makes it… well… perfect.

I love this picture.

beauty is imperfection - coffeejitters.net

Beauty is imperfection

I have a mint green blanket that my grandmother knit for my baby. My grandmother was in her late 90s, had arthritis in her hands, and she was close to blind, but she was determined to knit this blanket for my daughter. The blanket was probably knit, in it’s entirety, several times with the number of times mistakes were caught, ripped out, and re-knitted, and yet the finished product is still full of dropped stitches. Those holes make the blanket even more beautiful to me. If the blanket was completed flawlessly, it would be easy to overlook the effort and determination and love that went into making that blanket. That’s not to say that a perfectly finished blanket made by someone’s grandma isn’t beautiful, but for this blanket, the flaw carries the story.

I struggle with perfectionism, and sometimes it’s paralyzing. I get stalled on a project because I can’t see a perfect outcome with my abilities, or with my resources. Of course, we want to do our best, but then get busy living. Those little imperfections are sometimes the best, most memorable and most endearing parts.

3 Generations

3 Generations

Years ago, my parents discovered that we have a photo of my mom at 4-years old, and a picture of me at 4-years-old that highlight the family resemblance.

I determined right then, that if I ever had a daughter, I would take a similar photo, so we could frame together the 3 generations of photos.

This is my mother at 4

3 generations

This is me at 4

3 generations

I kept waiting for my daughter to turn 4, so I could take this picture of her. Then I forgot about it. Then she turned 5.

Finally, my mom kicked me into gear and reminded me to take that photo.  So I started planning the photo, scoping out the perfect location, and then forgetting about it again.

I remembered again this morning, so I threw a blanket on the floor, put her in a dress, and snapped the photo before I had time to start planning again, and then forgetting again.

This is my daughter at 5

Gem age 5

3 Generations

3 generations of childrens photos

I’m so glad I stopped planning and just grabbed the moment.