Those were the words I wrote without thinking: “a relearning how to dream after cancer blog.” I was shocked when I looked back and saw that I described my blog in this manner. Since writing the post, I’ve gone back and stared at those words countless times. To be honest, the words make me a little uncomfortable. Those hastily written words contain truths I didn’t realize were simmering under the surface.
Friday Night I found myself on stage at Courage Night as one of five women reading our work about surviving cancer. In the Q&A session, as I was describing how my blog had evolved, I recited this line from that blog post: “CoffeeJitters has been a single girl making her way in the world blog, a wedding blog, an infertility blog, a photography blog, a quitting my job and going back to school full time blog, a wow! I’m pregnant! blog, a mommy blog, a cancer blog, ….” except I swallowed the words “a relearning how to dream after cancer blog.”
No, in a room full of cancer survivors, women I love and trust, and who understand better than any one else, I could barely voice those words I had already published. I’m still not quite sure whether I said them out loud when I was at the mic.
I am currently taking Susannah Conway’s “Blogging from the Heart” class, which is proving to be more magical that I could have ever dreamed. This class is also bringing me face to face with that line – “a trying to relearn how to dream after cancer blog.” She is asking me to dig deep, and think about the purpose of my blog. It is easy to spot the focus on gratitude and appreciation of everyday magic, but this blogging practice is also challenging me to stretch.
Just as a physical injury can leave the body bound up in a tight little ball of muscle, the emotional trauma can have a similar impact on the spirit. Yoga and stretching and movement will little by little improve the flexibility and range of the body, but it’s sometimes painful and frightening. It is work that exists entirely outside of the comfort zone. I’ve reached the point where I understand what I have been intuitively trying to do, yet simultaneously resisting – to improve the flexibility and range of my imagination, of my ability to re-dream my future.
The process is slow and difficult, but looking back I can see how I have gradualy expanded the time frame of my dreams. Since diagnosis, I’ve had trouble imagining my life more than a few weeks or months ahead. Now my dreams stretch as far as five years out. Some day soon, I’ll be able to imagine myself at my daughter’s high school graduation.
Here’s to sweet dreams.
WW Linkup
Every week I host a photo linkup where we share posts featuring a photo. It started out being called Wordless Wednesday, but… Bloggers? Wordless? Then we started calling it Wordy Wednesday. Now we just abreviate to WW, and you pick for yourself whether or not to get wordy.
Link up your photo post below to share, and we’ll be by to visit.
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Hi Judy, Your post drew me in. What an amazing history you have had – and I can see myself getting lost in some good posts for hours here. My blog was born shortly after a prophylactic mastectomy after finding out I was positive for the BRCA-2 gene with a pregnancy that followed. Our life existence may have had parallels and differences, but writing stories, finding meaning, and sharing has been incredibly healing. So glad I found you, and thank you for putting your heart into your blog and out to the world… Many blessings~
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Wow, I don’t know if I could’ve gotten on stage in front of other people to read!! Good for you!! Love the photo!!
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I hear you sister. I thought that since I was going to a support group, seeing a therapist, and expressing my emotions as they came, I would not be slammed with “life after cancer”. It changes your life. You see how death could easily have taken you too soon, especially when relatively new treatments are probably the reason you and I (us her2neu girls) will be around for awhile. I now live life thinking I will die sooner than others, but at times I think that my early detection and subsequent treatment placed me back on a level playing field. I don’t know…what it really showed me is that you never know what could happen. One minute you can be living your life and the next, bam, life is completely different. My goal now is to try to make the best out my life, and know that doesn’t necessarily happen over night…sounds a lot like my goal before cancer, but I’m doing a better job at it.
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I love this so much. That sounds like a good class to take. I really need to find my voice in the blog world.
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yes…sweet dreams!
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yes that sounds like a wonderful class you are taking.. here’s to sweeter nights and dreams
Ai @ Sakura Haruka
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I loved your post, I’m taking the class too and am very much enjoying it so far. Susannah is so good in pushing every so gently to think further than you’ve ever thought before. It’s interesting though when I clicked on the link to the post you were referring to I almost didn’t see those “relearning how to dream after cancer” words. My eyes were drawn like a magnet to those beautiful words after “Mostly, it’s a love letter to my daughter and husband”, what a beautiful way to describe your blog. I’m wishing you magical dreams of the future!
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Never stop dreaming! Beautiful post…happy WW!
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Love that photo.
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You have such strength! Thank for sharing such a beautiful post.
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Wow, what a brave and strong person you are!!
Paula
lifeasweknowitbypaula.blogspot.com
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Wow, what strength you have! Keep dreaming those sweet dreams! =)
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Beautifully said!
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I love this – you are such an amazing, beautiful and smart woman. Here’s to many sweet dreams!
All Mixed Up
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Thanks Kari Ann, you inspire xo
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Thanks to Judy – YOU Rock!
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That is a lovely shot!
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Thank you for having the courage to blog from the heart. Here’s to your sweet dreams coming true.
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[...] A Relearning How To Dream After Cancer Blog (CoffeeJitters.Net) by Judy Schwartz Haley The long term, emotional impact of cancer, and relearning how to allow your hopes and dreams to extend beyond just a few months or years. [...]
[...] realized that I am still re-learning how to dream after cancer. “I’ve reached the point where I understand what I have been intuitively trying to do, yet [...]