Duck
One year ago: Best view in the house
Three years ago: Beaver Dam
Dear Gem – Month 17
I’ve had the hardest time getting a good picture of you lately. You’re not one to sit still and wait for the shot. You’ve got things to do, places to go, bookshelves to climb. Each night when I download the photos from my memory card, I sort through picture after picture after picture of the back of your head. It seems I’m just following you around.
And that’s alright.
I love your sense of adventure. I love your curiosity. I love your explorer’s spirit. Well, except when I need a nap. I don’t know what we would do without a play pen. I’m afraid you’d be off trekking in Nepal by now if we hadn’t come up with some way to fence you in. Not that there’s anything wrong with trekking in Nepal. In fact if that’s something you want to do someday, far, far into the future, I hope you do. Just not yet. I’m addicted to your hugs and kisses, and I sleep so much better when I can hear your little baby snores in the next room.
I worry that you’ve been spending too much time trapped in our living room watching TV. On the other hand, you’ve learned things from the TV that I didn’t think to teach you. You learned how to jump! Seriously. Ok, well, your toes aren’t quite leaving the ground yet, but you get your shoulders and heels moving in an upward motion while you chirp “Jump!” It’s the cutest thing. I was wondering where you got that from because I don’t really use the word jump around you, and I’m really not much of a jumper. It’s not like I’ve been modeling this behavior. But then I watched an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba with you, and watched you jump along through the “Jumpy Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump” song. I wonder what other important lessons I’m forgetting to teach you.
As much as you love Yo Gabba Gabba, your favorite TV show is Ni Hao, Kai-Lan. You even recognize the lead in to the show where it is announced. You get up and squeal and dance, waving your little arms, through the opening and even through much of the show. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you as happy as you are while you are dancing to that theme song. My favorite time of day is when Ni Hao, Kai-Lan comes on because I love seeing you so completely enraptured. I’ve heard many kids have specific songs or shows that really get them dancing. Your Uncle Timmy used to go ape over the song “It’s so easy to fall in love” by Linda Rondstadt. Apparently when I was little my song was the theme song to the Davy Crockett Show.
Your vocabulary is just exploding these days. I don’t think I could even catalog all the words I’ve heard from you. Today I handed you a banana, and you said “banana.” Three syllables! That is so cool. You can name off body parts like nose, toes, ear, eye (although it’s quite alright if you refrain from poking my eye out while identifying the eyes on my face). Your favorite words at the moment are “ball” and the previously mentioned “jump.” You are getting so much more effective in communicating with us. I’ve been a complete failure at teaching you to sign, with the exception of the sign for “eat.” This is not your fault at all. You see, teaching you the sign requires that I actually remember what the sign is myself. It’s not happening. In fact you may actually be correctly signing entire dissertations at me, but I’m just not getting it. On the other hand, we have “eat” nailed. And that has saved us so much stress. At the very least, I know when you’re hungry. I completely understand why supermoms teach their kids to sign.
It’s amazing to watch your brain develop. You are figuring things out so quickly these days. Last month Mary Jane made a game for you that was simply a little canister with a slot in the lid combined with a stack of poker chips. You love that game. You’ll pop those poker chips in through the slot, one by one, then bring it back to me so I can empty it and you start all over again. Recently, you’ve started sorting the chips into piles of blue, red, and white, and then pushing them through the slot in groups by color. You are learning your shapes and anymore when I give you a cracker, it’s not so much a cracker as it is a circle or a square. You have also started counting, or at least I think that’s what you are trying to do. You’ll move a stack of items, like the poker chips, from one pile to the other, saying, “two” with each item. Every number is two, but I think you’re starting to get the idea. “Two, two, two, two…” You’re too cute.
You’ve gotten a lot more affectionate in the past couple months, and let me tell you, that does your Mama’s heart a lot of good. You’re still a go, go, go kind of girl, but now you take a break every so often and come over and give me a hug and a kiss. Unbidden. I love that. Surprise kisses are awesome! I think sometimes you know when I’m having a bad day and need extra hugs, too. You’re an amazingly perceptive little girl. I hope I don’t burden you too much with my illness, especially as time goes on, because taking care of Mommy is not your responsibility. But I do love your little hugs and kisses.
This last little piece I want to put in here because I think there’s a chance you might argue with me about it in the future. Your favorite food right now is broccoli. Yes, that’s right. Broccoli. If I’m eating broccoli, you will try to take it away from me so you can eat it yourself. I can eat chocolate all day and it’s safe, but my broccoli you will steal. That’s alright. You can eat broccoli all day long if you like. It’s that good for you.
You are growing up so much right now. I miss the little baby you used to be, but I am so proud of the little girl that you are becoming.
I love you.
Mommy
Read more Letters to Gem.
Stupid Cancer
Battling cancer is frustrating. It’s complicated. Cancer isn’t just one disease that acts a specific way, it’s many different creatures that have been categorized under a single umbrella. Different cancers, even different breast cancers, react differently to treatments. And each body reacts to the cancer and the available treatments differently.
I promised an update in an earlier post. Since then, I’ve hit a few bumps in the road. I’ve been stalling on writing this post because I don’t want this blog to turn into a venue for me to whine, but I’m also trying to provide a realistic look at what life with cancer is like – At least life with cancer for this one person.
I got my first dose of Taxol on August 9. The infusion went well and I came home feeling good. The trouble started after the Neulasta shot the next day. That was followed by extreme bone pain, especially in my legs. Pain so bad I ended up waddling like I did the last month of my pregnancy. My toes hurt, I had to wear flip-flops so nothing touched them. Then came the muscle aches. And on a Thursday evening, ten days after the Taxol infusion, I got hives. There were other side effects as well, but you get the picture.
Monday I went back in for the next round of Taxol and made a plan with my doctor for steps to mitigate the intensity of the side effects. I was ready to roll for round two. I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of my battle with this disease. Or so I thought. Within the first five minutes of the Taxol infusion I felt a deep burning pain in my lower back. If you experienced back labor during childbirth, you know the intensity of this pain. The pain then worked it’s way up my spine and when it got to my neck, my throat started to swell up.
Of course the nurses came running and my doctor was paged and showed up within a few minutes. The infusion was stopped and I was given Benedryl and Hydrocortisol and monitored to make sure the reaction stopped.
Then we started the Taxol again at a much slower pace. This is standard operating procedure. The idea is that I would be less likely to react to the Taxol if it goes in slower, especially after the Benedryl and Hydrocortisol. And for many patients receiving this chemotherapy, that is the case. A reaction is followed by a successful infusion and they proceed with the Taxol.
Yeah, that next dose didn’t work for me either. This time the reaction was quicker, but less severe. Just hives all over the place. So Taxol is off the table. We are back to the drawing board. I have another appointment with my doctor to discuss other treatment plans that may work well for me. We’re still fighting. I haven’t given up. I just have to find a new weapon to battle this beast.
Young Survival Coalition
Shortly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my baby lost two pounds. The breast had to go; I had to quickly wean a baby who was interested in eating nothing but breast milk. This weight loss was nearly as traumatic for me as the cancer diagnosis.
Then, I connected with the Young Survival Coalition (YSC) and met a group of women who understood exactly what I was going through. These women knew from experience how difficult it can be to balance treatment with parenting.
The Young Survival Coalition is an organization that supports pre-menopausal women who have breast cancer. Why a group that focuses just on the younger women with breast cancer?
- Breast cancer in younger women tends to be more aggressive with a lower survival rate, and studies increasingly suggest that breast cancer in younger women is biologically different from the breast cancer that older women get.
- Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in women between the ages of 15 and 54.
- Because fewer young women get breast cancer, they are not adequately represented in breast cancer research.
- We have not yet developed an effective breast cancer screening tool for young women.
- Young women deal with different issues than post-menopausal women: effects of treatment on fertility, child rearing, pregnancy after diagnosis, diagnosis during pregnancy, menopause caused by treatment, body image, dating for single women, the list goes on…
I’ve been through a lot in this cancer ordeal. I’m nearly halfway through the chemotherapy phase of my treatment, and that will be followed by radiation. The doctors are working to save my body, my friends at YSC have helped save my sanity. I can’t say enough wonderful things about this group of women and the support they provide.
You can learn more about my cancer story here:
Let’s Connect
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Whatcom Falls, Bellingham
This sandstone bridge over Whatcom Creek was built in 1939 as part of the Works Progress Administration.
swimming hole
2 Years Ago
Duck Family
