One of the frustrations I’ve had to deal with because of this breast cancer is my lopsidedness. Getting dressed in the morning takes quite a bit more thought and planning than ever before. I wasn’t small breasted to start with, but thanks to my mastectomy I have a bouncy D-Cup that swings a little lower since breastfeeding, and a rock hard, absurdly high, almost A-cup.
To make matters a little more interesting, the mastectomy side is augmented by a saline implant called an expander. I periodically go in for expansions, which means they inject more saline into the implant. This is in preparation for reconstruction after I complete the cancer treatment, but the expansions have to be complete before I start radiation. As a result, the size and shape of my mastectomy side “breast” changes to frequently. I’ll wait till the size and shape stabilizes to invest in a prosthesis, in the meantime I’m stuffing my bra with socks.
Yeah, you read that right. I’m stuffing my bra with socks. How very seventh grade. But at least in junior high they were both the same size, I wasn’t trying to make different sizes match each other. No matter how many socks I stuff into this bra, they will never bounce quite like my real breast.
The Stuffed Bra that Wont Stay Stuffed
These socks were made for wandering, and they do like to tour my chest wall as I’m moving about. They really like to get around while I’m running on the treadmill. Before I know it, they’ve worked their way under my armpit and each pump of my arm jams them a little further back under my arm, or even more frequently, they pile up right in the center of my chest. Excuse me a moment while I reach in and readjust my “girls” while running, and hopefully not stumbling, on the treadmill. Graceful, no? I find myself pushing my socks back into place as I walk around town. The boob is gone, it doesn’t feel like a boob anymore, so it’s easy to forget that while they’re just socks to me, to the average pedestrian it looks like I’m groping and playing with my boobs and I try to corral them back into place.
And yoga? the socks are likely to wind up just about anywhere, but I’ve mastered the art of readjustment during downward dog. People look at each other less during yoga anyways.
It’s not just while I’m exercising that the socks become an issue. A few weeks ago we sailed around Seattle on a gorgeous schooner. I disembarked the ship and my husband handed my 1 year old daughter down to me. She was a little wobbly on her feet as I set her down and knelt next to her on the deck. To catch her balance, she reached up and grabbed my shirt, and managed to grab my bra in the same handful. Out tumbled my sports socks in full sight of everyone looking down from the ship.
So if you see me out and about with a big lump under my arm, or up by my neck, or down by my abdomen, its just an errant sock trying to make a break for it. No need for concern. You might even be treated to a glimpse of my readjustment dance as I try to surreptitiously work it back into place.
I’ve fallen so far behind in writing these letters to you that I need to combine two months into one. In fact, it’s almost time to write your 16 month letter. I guess I’d better make this a good one.
It would be really easy for me to blame this on the cancer, fatigue, etc., yadda, yadda, yadda, but the truth is that your mama is a procrastinator. Seriously. I even procrastinate on going to the bathroom if I’m watching a really good show, then I have to do that goofy potty walk/run to get the the bathroom and hope that I make it in time so I don’t have to change clothes before I get back to my show. I even procrastinate on doing things that I want to do, especially if it involves something complicated, like getting off the couch.
Ok, I’m not that lazy. But I have been avoiding things that involve thinking lately – and I suppose writing these letters qualifies under that heading.
You are changing so much every day; you ‘re just full of surprises. You have started arguing with me. When I tell you “No touch” you put down your foot and firm up your face and firmly announce “touch!” You have also discovered the word “no,” and you back it up with a shake of your head. You’ve even been using yes and no correctly in context to the TV. You were watching Ni Hao, Kai-Lan the other day and Kai-Lan asked if you had ever seen a dragon; you shook your head and said no. Then Kai-Lan asked if you would like to see a dragon, and you nodded your head and said yes. That just blew me away.
We’ve had a busy couple of months. Earlier this week we spent the day on the Adventuress, a 133 foot long, 3 masted schooner that just happens to have the 2nd largest main sail on the Pacific Coast. This is a mighty ship. You did quite well on that trip, despite the fact that we wouldn’t let you run around on deck. Little Miss Independent, you like to run free; you are such an adventurer. You don’t want to hold our hand when we walk, you want to explore everything untethered. You are frequently disappointed in that endeavor. But, as you learn to listen to us, and obey us, you’ll get more freedom – even if the thought of letting go of your little hand still terrifies me.
You enjoyed our trip to the zoo so much that we ended up buying a membership. I’m hoping to make good use of that membership, Mommy needs to log some long hours walking anyways. Daddy and I had more fun watching you than the animals.
At times you looked more like you were cheering on your favorite sports team – or even your favorite rock band.
And you certainly didn’t mind pushing Daddy’s head around to get a better look. He’s getting used to you grabbing his ears and eyeballs, and he really loves carrying you around on his shoulders. It’s a good thing, because it’s your favorite place to be.
Your other favorite place to be is at the book store. You love books, and the kids section of the book store has BOOKS! and also TOYS! which means you can spend hours running back and forth from the BOOKS! to the TOYS! until you completely wear yourself out and crumple up into a big pile of fussy and we take you home for a nap. Actually, that happens several days a week.
You love your books at home too. In fact we have a couple fabric books that week keep in your crib because we discovered that when you wake up in the morning, you will entertain yourself for an hour or so by “reading” your books to Molly and Peanut. One of my favorite experiences each day is snuggling a little deeper into my pillow in the morning while listening to your sweet voice babble away to your stuffed animals. It’s a lovely way to start the day.
You bring so much happiness to our home. I’m so blessed that I get to be your Mommy.
CoffeeJitters is an affiliate to a number of sites and services. I do not endorse products I don't love. I may receive compensation if you purchase items from links on this website.
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
