I just joined an online challenge called 21*5*800 hosted by Bindu Wiles. 21 days. 5 days of yoga per week. 800 words per day.
I am so excited about this challenge.
The group is actually on day 4 of the challenge and I just got started. I’m just going to start where the group is, then add a few extra days at the end, probably just picking up the prompts I dropped from the first few days.
I’ve already decided that I while I intend to write my 800 words every day, I probably won’t share all of it, although I may share a portion. I want to get into a daily writing, and yoga, practice. I want to be able to be honest in my writing, and I have learned that I have to be much too careful about what I publish in this format. That said, today’s topic is relevant: Fear.
Fear has become a big part of my life since my breast cancer diagnosis. Fear of death? Certainly. Fear of pain? Oh, yes. Fear of being a burden on my family? Absolutely. Fear of the effects of my cancer on my one year old daughter? Terrifying.
I have found that the yoga helps. I’ve learned to breathe through the movements: the tough stretches, holding a challenging pose. That practice transfers to the uncomfortable and painful procedures. A deep breath and long slow exhale as I endure the poking and prodding makes all the difference. The pain is still there, but it is a bit more manageable. Focusing on my breath takes my focus away from the pain.
Fear takes me out of the present and puts me into the future – a future that is unknowable, yet my imagination tries it’s best to find every worst case scenario. Pain forces me into right now – so does my yoga practice. When I’m in now, what might happen doesn’t matter. Every moment has an infinity of possible outcomes.
When I’m seized by anxiety or panic, the yogic breathing can settle me down. Cleansing breath: long, slow exhale opens up more space in the lungs for a deeper, fuller inhale. Raise the arms to expand the chest, then slowly lower them as I exhale. Before I know it, I’m focusing more on how my body feels and improving this critical function. The fear is still there, but it is a bit more manageable. Focusing on my breath takes my focus away from the fear.
That’s not to say that fear is unwarranted. I have an aggressive form of breast cancer that has spread to the lymph nodes, complicated by another rare form of cancer that has a pretty grim prognosis. This is not something I can ignore or wish away. I also cannot focus only on the present. I am submitting myself to these procedures and chemotherapy, sacrificing my comfort and well being in the present, because I fear what will happen if I don’t, and in hope of improving my well being in the future.
Fear and Hope.
What I need is balance.
That takes me back to yoga.
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It takes a lot of strength to openly admit to having fear. I find myself often trying to avoid acknowledging what really keeps me from opening up fully. Fear is totally it.
As always, thank you SO much for sharing.
What Happens In Vegas
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Judy, you commented on my ‘anonymous’ fear writing on Bindu’s blog. Thank you for your empathic, uplifting comment. I’m really with you in your present fear. I didn’t write about my feelings for my daughter in my piece because it was about the ’13 years’ but I know that it’s my determination to live for her and to be by her side, and also the lessons I’ve learned from her that have kept me going. (I have also spent a lot of time trying to comfort myself with the knowledge that children who are bereaved find amazing inner strength and tend to have inspirational lives.) Those 2 sides of the coin have been top of my mind for so long. Recently, now that my wonderful daughter is 15, my fear has taken on a different edge. Crazy thoughts like – ‘well, I’ve done most of my job now, it wouldn’t be so bad if I leave her now’. Who wants thoughts like these? I’ve turned the last 13 years into an amazing journey and I’m sending you energy and light for the same experience. I’ve never been able to accept the thought that a tiny pocket of rogue cells in the body can overcome all the life force of the remaining majority of cells and i spend a lot of my visualisation and meditation time (though there’s not much of that
‘boosting’ the activity of the normal cells and encouraging them to keep the equilibrium. I’ve found that I have a strong internal barometer now that tells me when I’m putting myself through too much and to slow down.
I became a nutritionist and that helped with the physical aspects. But the most fundamental problem I had was that I was not strongly protective of my self and my space. Always there for everyone and never there for my own inner child. If this resonates for you then I have found great healing in learning to love myself as much as my daughter – and affording myself the care and attention that I had reserved for her, so that we can both live – not just her. Once I tuned in to this it was a shock to me to see that I was much more passionate about her than myself. Perhaps it was no wonder then that I was facing a challenge about my survival. I haven’t got it right yet. But it’s so much better than it was. With love and comfort for your fear. Dawn
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Welcome to 21.5.800. I hope you enjoy the lovely community that Bindu has created.
Learning to love ourselves seems to be, almost universally, one of the hardest things to do. I think it probably takes a number of life experiences to help us do that. I have found Cheryl Richardson’s book, The Art of Extreme Self-Care, really helpful. And an eye opener!
Looking forward to reading more on your blog and sending you all best wishes.
21.5.800 day 5: photography and coffee cups are my life
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that Bindu sounds interesting. I admire your strength in the face of such a huge, understandable fear. many blessings to you.
Fairy Tale Piper
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I am a very bad bloggy friend who has been absorbed in her own pain and I am so very sorry. I didn’t know of your struggle but I am so amazed at your writing and how you are handling you fear. You are an inspiration to me and I thank you for sharing. You will be in my prayers and I will be a better bloggy friend!
33 years ago- this FridayI Married a Really Cute Guy-
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I’m just surfing through, reading some of your posts – this one is fantastic. The challenge sounds great, and Yoga IS such a great activity that takes care of and eases so many things. You’re a very inspirational blogger – I like the realness of everything. My mother in law was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this time last summer. She went through treatment, and is now in remission. You women are every other woman’s hero!
Meet me on Monday
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