I keep meaning to play along with MamaKat and her weekly writing workshops, but I never seem to be able to make it happen. Then this prompt came along, and I decided it was time to put in print all those excuses floating around in my head.
3.) What have you been busy doing that’s keeping you from updating your blog? How hard is it for you to get back into the swing of blogging when you take time off? (inspired by Sera)
The first, and most obvious, excuse is my 2 month old daughter. I knew long before she was born that she would consume my time and energy, but what you know in theory does not always match the magnitude of what happens in reality. I just don’t have the time. I really don’t know how women parent their children, manage their home, and then find the wherewithal to hold down a job too. I’m lucky to get a blog post in a couple times a week. (yes, I know that stay at home moms work – I am a stay at home mom, and I’m having trouble keeping up with the work load. Trust me, I know that stay at home moms work.)
Another big thing that’s holding me back from posting is that I don’t know what this blog is about anymore. I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog, why it exists, and what I’m trying to do with it. Since Gem came along, I write most every post with her in mind. In fact, even the posts that are not directed at her or about her, are usually written for her in some way. I’m beginning to think of this blog as one big ongoing letter to my child that I just happen to be sharing with the general public. I have this idea that if anything happened to me, she would have this blog – something in my own words that tells her who I am, what I believe, what I care about, what I value… I’m not planning on having anything happen to me, but there’s something comforting about knowing that I have something to leave behind for her, just in case. But this blog is more than that as well. It’s also a public platform, it’s an opportunity to interact online with others like me, it’s writing practice, it’s a soapbox… Which takes me back to being a little confused about what this blog is really about.
Then there is the big issue of confidence, or the lack thereof. I write posts all the time and then delete them before before publishing. There are so many reasons for this. I worry that my writing skills are not up to par. I worry that people will get tired of so many pictures of my daughter. I worry that I have nothing to worthwhile to say. I worry about the reactions of my family members who are so offended by my studies and beliefs regarding politics and organized religion. That old Seuss quote about “Be who you are and say what you mean because those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter” doesn’t help any when those who mind are your family. But then I think of my daughter again – what would I want her to do? Do I want her to sensor herself to please those who do not value her perspective or insight? Absolutely not. So why do I do it myself? What kind of example am I providing? AND What happens if someday her beliefs are different than mine? Will I be offended by her writings? On a theoretical level, I believe that would not be a problem. I really hope that I can live up to that in reality. Of course I’d like her values and beliefs to match mine – I value what I value for a reason. On the other hand, I would rather she had well researched values and beliefs of her own rather than just parroting what her parents (and teachers and preachers) taught.
Then after all that cogitating, I’m just too exhausted to write.
Besides, it’s time to change a diaper.